By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
I made this meme in response to a bad habit I have seen of many patrons in spots for cruising and with backrooms. Many of these spaces offer coat/clothes check. Some even offer wallet check. With that being the case, one has to wonder why do these spaces still have numerous guys who interrupt the fun being had by using their phones, or if that is what was stolen, needing security to help them hunt for their missing belongings.
I have long wondered what is holding these guys back from checking their stuff in. At first, I thought that maybe there was something of extreme value in their bag. Then I realized that if that was the case, then they would not just leave it laying around. Then again, many of these guys “need” to be inebriated in order to have “fun”. Put that on top of it just furthers their irresponsibility in finding a “safe” place for their belongings besides coat check.
After all this time, it finally hit me. One refusing to check their belongings is a sign of the all-too-common, shame.
How so, you ask?
Because think about it. The more stuff one checks in, the more it says that the individual is prepared for the possibility of sex. Not necessarily that they are on the hunt for it. However, in a sexually repressive society such as ours, preparedness and hunting for sex in a space are not only believed to be both synonymous with each other. They are also believed to be deserving of shame, which they are not.
In addition to the rules stated in a past Thotyssey article, this is why I have long made it a rule to not play with guys who are obviously inebriated, not checking their bags, and/or wearing their outerwear. The best way to summarize my position is a way I have said often: gay males are known for having emotional baggage. So why would I play with you when you come into the space with literal baggage? Which is a red flag of your emotional baggage. And that includes your coat.
As mentioned in the aforementioned Thotyssey article, I must reiterate that the wearing of outerwear is still the initial deal-breaker. Because before I saw it as a sign of shame, I saw it as a means for one to be a pickpocket and hide whatever they stole. That is why I still feel if a venue has the legal right to, such spaces need to make it mandatory to check your coat and bags before going into those areas.
Some might find my position on this harsh. Thinking that people have to grow into that confidence. I say that thinking is babying the patrons and enabling their attitude of self-entitlement. For it should be common sense to not come into such a space with all of your belongings. Yet, as soon as their stuff ends up missing, they are ready to blame the venue or a cohort, but seldom (if ever) themselves. Much like an incident that made me repost the first pic to Facebook.
A patron wearing his winter coat indoors and having a bag in tow went to the backroom area with a go-go boy. They got it on for all to see. Immediately afterwards they ended, the patron started whining to his friend over his missing bag that he claimed was expensive. His whining escalated until he was screaming hysterically. Never taking accountability for his own bad judgement. Instead, he blamed his friend. Luckily for him, the bag was found. But his drama queen antics definitely put a damper on the night for many.
If I seem unsympathetic, it is because I prepared myself for much of this before stepping into these spaces. And when I did not prepare myself and something went wrong, I adulted-up and accepted the loss as a lesson learned.
Such as how years ago when iPods were big, I was wearing a hoodie (as a shirt, not as outerwear) with an iPod in the pocket. I went down on a guy. Afterwards, I discovered the pocket of the hoodie was open and the iPod was gone. So in my being focused on giving a great blowjob, my iPod got stolen. I accepted it and moved on. From that point on, I decided to check everything that I would not immediately need within the space. So now, along with my coat, bag and phone, I take a few dollars out of my wallet, and check my wallet as well. I have not had anything stolen off of me since.
Many of these guys need that same hard lesson. And the opportunity to learn from it is there. Instead, they blame others. Either that, or they will remain guys in hiding using a fetishized trait as a means to get laid. In either case, I come to such spaces to have adult fun. And adult fun is not having to baby someone who should have enough street-smarts and/or self-respect to know not to come into such spaces with unneeded things in tow.
So let’s start doing the work within, then step in with a self-assured grin.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
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