X-Rayed Sex: “What Not To Wear – LeNair’s Sex Party Edition”


By LeNair Xavier

Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.

Attending sex parties and backrooms as much as I have over the years, I have definitely got an idea of what someone should wear, and what they should not. Unfortunately, I see a lot of what guys should not wear. The reasons they should not be worn is because they are indicators of a mindset that are negatives to the sex party/backroom experience.

So are you wearing those indicators? Well, here’s the list, and why they’re on it…


Coats, Backpacks & Bags

  • Sex parties and backrooms can get quite crowded. So wearing a jacket or coat be it for spring, fall, or winter is cumbersome. Not only because of the room it takes up that inconveniences others, but also because of lack of mobility it causes to the wearer.
  • Another reason those things are on this list is because the dim lights and close quarters of a sex party/backroom make them a pick-pocket’s buffet area. So if someone’s phone, wallet, keys, whatever wind up missing from their pocket, then any and every person too cheap to check their coat is a prime suspect in that theft. Therefore, they should be the first searched if and when actions are ceased because a theft was reported. This is why I feel to possibly lessen such instances, such spaces should make checking outerwear and bags mandatory for all areas sexual activity happens.
  • The last reason coats, bags & backpacks are on this list is because of the cruel psyche it displays. It shows a definite “Hit It & Quit It” mentality. I’m not saying to make a marriage proposal after your tryst. But don’t present yourself in a way that you treat each other in such a dismissive and forgettable manner after giving your body to each other. For no one regardless of gender, color, ethnicity, religion, social status, etc. should want to treat or be treated as just a hole for the dick to shoot off in, or a stick to fill a hungry ass or pussy. Treating someone as such lessens both your humanity and that of your playmate, and that’s bad karma. If your playmate knowingly takes you on seeing that attire, then it is likely indicative that their self-esteem is in bad enough shape to not think much of themselves to be thought of as
    more, even in a sex party/backroom tryst.


  • There is a reason they made boxer-briefs. It’s is because boxers are not a sexy look. If you look back at old photos and movies in which they are worn, boxers were a pretentious style of underwear. Today, they are still the primary style of underwear for not just pretentious males, but also old pretentious males. So the main ones who will find this look attractive are gold-diggers and if they’re looking for the older guys in boxers, then they are most likely looking to sexualize their daddy issues.
  • Boxers are also style more commonly worn by males on the down-low of every color. For more form-fitting underwear are seen by many of their hiding eyes as a “giveaway-of-gay”
  • At a sex party/backroom you are trying to promote a sexy image. Well, there is nothing sexy about pretentiousness, being on the down low, or sexualizing one’s daddy issues. Especially in a multi-cultural city.


Trust me, I am totally in agreement with the need to moisturize. However, considering where you are going to be, you should just use a body moisturizer, not a body oil. For the furniture in many sex party spaces and backrooms have smooth

  • surfaces already. They may also have lube spills from action(s) previously done on that piece of furniture. So you wearing any kind of oil on your body will create a mess for you, your playmate(s), and those playing on that furniture after you.
  • Some of what not to wear to sex parties/backrooms is not only about articles of clothing or body products. Actually, it quite often also includes the mindset you have and what you use to adjust your behavior because of a certain mindset.


  • Stop acting like you are too good to be in the space. Especially since you already paid the cover, walked in, and (in some cases) stripped down because it’s the party’s protocol. This country has enough shame piled on it regarding sex in general, and gay sex is a target of shame across the globe. So an attitude of being “too good to fuck” makes your presence serve no purpose to better the energy of the party. So you might as well have stayed home.
  • Sometimes couples come into sex parties/backrooms. This can be fine, even if they are monogamous. As long as they are not attending those spaces to rub their monogamy in patrons faces by treating the single patrons as if their monogamous couple’s sex is better than your single sex. That is an act of pretense one should not wear in a sexually permissive space.


  • Whatever you do at a sex party/backroom, you should be ready, willing, and able to do it without shame. Without regret. Therefore, even though you might be at a bar, a buzz from alcohol a.k.a. “liquid courage” should not be a necessity. Nor should drugs or any other substances. For sobriety should make your sexually adventurous streak more respectable to both your playmate, and yourself. Because it is actually you.
  • Drugs and alcohol are too commonly used as excuses in one’s attempt to lessen their accountability for a wrong done to a past, present, or potential sex partner. Unfortunately, substance abuse has become such a tolerated part of our community that many of us don’t confront the person when they try dodging their  esponsibility for that wrong-doing. For that, it would be best if drugs and alcohol weren’t used in the first place.
  • I have always said with alcohol, even though you’re at a bar, it’s okay to have alcohol and play, but it’s not good to need alcohol to play. And the latter part of that statement holds true for any drug or substance. And I’m sure much to the chagrin of many, that includes poppers. For besides the slow, long-term effects of taking in the chemicals, it’s also a disruption to the rhythm of the sex.

My goal even in my porn days was to promote sex without shame going in or regret after the fact. For that to be accomplished, we must recognize some of the things we are doing that indicate we are not at that point, change our patterns, then re-emerge. After such time, exposing ourselves as being more courageous with our sexuality. For it’s the only way to be truly proud generations of gays that can in turn inspire others on the fence of displaying that pride.


LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision on Tumblr, and can be followed on FacebookTwitter and Instagram

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