A monthly column by Thotyssey’s favorite ex-pornstar and current sexpert.
With June being Gay Pride Month, sex parties/backrooms are sure to be filled with those celebrating. So I thought this would be a good time to remind–and for some, enlighten–to some of my rules of sex party etiquette that show not just your Gay Pride, but your pride as a sexual being as well.
Many of these rules have a detailed backstory that can be found in the Sex Party Etiquette category of my blog, “L’s X-Ray Vision.”
1) Don’t be a Chatty Cathy and/or commentator.
Sorry to start this list of rules so rough.
People come to sex parties/backrooms to get sucked off and/or fuck. Not to hear you talk about your vacation, your job, etc. Nor did they come to hear you pretend you’re an ESPN commentator to the sex they’re having. If an urge to behave this way hits you, leave and go to the lounge area. But if your urge can’t wait until you reach the lounge area, do as I once told such an annoying sex party/backroom patron: put a dick in your mouth, and shut the fuck up!
2) Check your coat and bags
This should be a no-brainer, but it needs to be said because I have repeatedly seen guys with their coats and bags in backrooms.
The ignorance of this is:
- if a backroom is crowded, wearing you coat and/or bag makes you take up more space than you need;
- if someone’s valuables that can be carried in their pockets ends up missing, all of your extra clothing and accessories makes you become the prime suspect;
- wearing your coat and bag does nothing for any male ego, be that male ego healthy or unhealthy. For it says that you’re one of those empty creatures looking to use guy like he’s an inanimate object. You’re either treating a top like a stick to put in your ass, or a bottom as a hole to wrap around your dick. So all you’ll end up with is a guy also empty.
And the reason I call such a person an “empty creature” is because…
3) A fuck is never just a fuck
We all know sex is a physical connection be it within a long-term relationship, or a sex party/backroom tryst. But we must also remember that it is always just as much a spiritual connection.
The problem is in claiming our right to have gay sex, we have allowed ourselves to be led by mantras that put so much more emphasis on the physical connection that it overshadows even discussing the spiritual or a second–thereby making us think it’s okay to live by the idea of “a fuck is just a fuck.”
Now, I don’t take the phone number, follow on Twitter, and friend on Facebook every guy I give a blowjob to, and/or have sex with. I do, however, take note of both types of connection so I can acknowledge that person if we should ever meet again. Because even in that fleeting moment, that person gave you a gift by giving themselves to you.
So since some long-term relationships have been born out of such trysts, don’t act surprised if your playmate seems interested in continuing the connection beyond that party. Nor should you be condescending by treating them like drama queens for them considering it. After all, your bodies were literally interlocked.
4) Don’t touch the cocksucker
This rule should be short, sweet, and to the point. Especially when it’s followed. But the only time you have a right to touch the guy sucking on a guy’s cock is when it’s your cock that he’s sucking on, OR your the blowjob recipient’s partner, and you let your position in the blowjob recipient’s life known to the cocksucker beforehand. Otherwise, keep your hands to yourself.
5) Having a dick doesn’t make getting blowjobs a must
To piggyback off of the previous rule, remember that having a dick does not entitle you to a blowjob. As I said in my article for Kiiroo, a blowjob is a gift. You are not to try forcing a guy giving someone a blowjob to give you one as well. If the guy giving a blowjob doesn’t reach for you, accept that it’s not your time. Because it’s his mouth, his call. If you want to make sex about power, then note that in this instance, the cocksucker has the power.
6) Don’t rape your fellow guests
I’m well aware that some bottoms at sex parties/backrooms assume the position, and let any and everybody fuck them. Don’t lump every bottom in that category. So when you see a bottom that you like action, after the sex with that top is done, give the bottom a chance to catch his breath. Don’t rush to be next so he can’t see who’s trying to enter him. Because he might not want you, and his reaction could be embarrassing for you if you’re not what he wants, and it will be an embarrassment you deserve.
This once happened to me where after I bottomed for a guy doggy-style. Once my top stopped, he lightly slapped my ass to signal he was done, but immediately after, I felt a dick against my hole. For a moment, I thought he changed his mind and wanted more, until I realized the dick I felt against my hole was a thicker dick, which made me immediately stop and turn around. All to see my top walking towards the restroom, while the guy trying to enter me turning out to be a potential rapist. Because I turned him down a number of times earlier in the night. So he tried to use my moment to bask in the afterglow and catch my breath as a chance to fuck my ass without my consent. To
this. I immediately jumped up, gave him the evil eye, and walked away.
Now, if I had stayed in position, then his entering me could have been fair game.
7) Wash between fucks
Being it’s a sex party/backroom, it’s not uncommon to play with multiple guys in one venture. Plus, most or all of these guys are strangers, or even if he’s someone you know but has been gone 5 minutes, your fuck-buddy (or boyfriend, if you’re open) could have played with someone else. So I have long made it a rule of mine to wash between each fuck at a sex party/backroom tryst. Whether you use a condom or not, this is important advice to consider. Even more so if you play bareback. And I sometimes follow this rule even when all I got from the guy was a blowjob.
I’m not saying it’s a guarantee, but it’s been a good number of years now of me not having an STI. And I believe following this after-tryst routine is a good part of the reason why.
8) Let the alcohol served not be Liquid Courage
Alcohol can make you release your inhibitions. If you have a brain like mine that’s always going, then you’re at a party analyzing all that’s going on at the party, as well as things totally unrelated to the party. Things that might hinder your performance. If alcohol relaxes you enough to focus on joy at hand, then alcohol is fine if you don’t drink to the point of getting drunk.
Alcohol is not a good thing however when you use it as Liquid Courage. For it will make you either too aggressive, and say things you don’t mean. Or things you do mean, but once the alcohol is out of your system, and it’s back to your regular life, your emotional issues will make you want to retract your statement to someone. Alienating them for the worst.
So if you need alcohol as Liquid Courage, you are not ready for playing at a sex party or in a backroom.
9) Say what you mean. Mean what you say
Don’t say things that one can perceive as a “beyond this moment” invitation just to get laid, then you’re done with the person. Now, if you say such a thing because you got caught up in the heat of the moment, then own it.
For we all say things in the heat of the moment, and the natural spontaneity of sex definitely falls in the category of such a moment. However, you should own up to the consequences and expectations based on what you say. Because trying to pass the buck like many guys do, and tell the other guy “It’s just you” lessens the joy of the memory for him, and yourself. So don’t be a game player, intentional or otherwise.
10) Accept rejection
If the guy you are targeting to play with does not accept your advances, then accept the rejection, and move on. His reason might be superficial, like him being another brainwashed racist jerk. Or it could have actually been something you’ve done wrong in your presentation. Whatever the case, remind yourself that his loss is somebody else’s gain, then move on.
Accepting rejection is also a must if you get together with a guy after playing at that sex party/backroom, and he decides to end whatever type of relationship you had. Such a disappointment is inevitable, but anger is only justified If you have been misled. In either case, vent if you must (like I have with posts and poetry). but let it be part of your process to accepting the rejection. While again, reminding yourself that his loss is somebody else’s gain, then move on.
11) Exchanging numbers
If you should deem your hook-up as more than just a fuck, and as someone to consider seeing as a friend, fuck-buddy, or even to start dating, then hit them up within no later than a week. A couple of days would actually be best, but don’t wait any later than a week. And make sure you convey from the beginning what your intentions are.
For one thing the gay community could use a lot less of are game players using lines to get their ego stroked, then dispose of the person after. By following this rule, we could make a future of less lonely old men whose loneliness is their gift from Karma for all of their game playing in their “studly” younger days.
Speaking of Karma, most of these rules are meant to remind us to put ourselves in situations that bring good Karma our ways. For even at a sex party/backroom, using, misleading, and mistreating our fellow gay man solely to stroke our egos is not what brings good Karma. So let’s have some sexy fun without having to look over our shoulders after. Let’s make our sex at parties, and all other times ones to look back on guilt-free.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision, and can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
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