X-Rayed Sex: “Sexual Vicarious Living, Or Get Inspired”

By LeNair Xavier

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Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.


Have you ever ventured to a sex party or backroom, saw a crowd, witnessing pushing and shoving among them, all to discover that they’re gathering to watch a fuck
session between 2 guys? Or a simple blowjob?

It’s idiocy to me because there’s a simple solution to avoid pushing and shoving to watch someone else suck and fuck… FIND YOUR OWN ACTION!

First off, this is not a shaming of voyeurism. After all, if not for voyeurism, I would not have had the porn career I had to give my porn persona, “Tré Xavier” some notoriety. And even with my studio-based porn career done, voyeurism is how I know all that is going on in our community in order for me to give the advice that I give about our community’s sexual state. So by initial speaking of the word, voyeurism is not a bad thing.

Voyeurism can, however, become bad–even tragic when you would rather watch someone else live their sexual life, instead of you living your own. Especially when you have no physical limitations to stop you. Thereby making the only limitation(s) be those taught to you by religious and societal culture rules that you have allowed to shame you into treating sexuality in general like it’s a cardinal sin.

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If you have ever seen me play at a sex party / backroom, I am not doing it to give an entire show. I’m doing it out of my sexual liberation and spontaneity allowed in a sexually permissive space. But even more so, it’s to inspire others to do the same if such an urge is in them. Because growing up in a religious household surrounded by hypocrisy over sexuality, I know how that craving feels. Sadly, intrusive voyeurs are born out social ineptitude and that same refusal to embrace that urge, even in a sexually permissive space.

Intrusive voyeurs make voyeurism seem ugly because their vicarious living leads them to touch areas on the sexual playmates’ bodies that clearly interfere with the joy of the kind of sex they are having. Such as the voyeur who sticks his hand in between a cocksucker and the blowjob recipient because he wants to feel the blowjob recipient’s dick for his own fantasies. Or the voyeur guy who puts his hand between 2 guys having sex to feel the top’s dick and/or the bottom’s ass. Again, to have a memory of the texture of that person to use in their masturbation fantasies later.

I get getting off on watching people fuck. Sex when 2 people have the real physical and spiritual connection sex was meant to have, the sight of it in action is a beautiful thing. I also get wanting to feel one or both of the parties’ body parts to savor for a masturbation session later. That’s why when I’ve tipped go-go boys, I always aim to cop a feel of his butt. Because I will later beat off to either the fantasy of me banging his ass from behind, or me groping it while bottoming for him in missionary.

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But as the age-old saying goes, “The ends doesn’t justify the means.”

So I get the desire to feel certain areas of their bodies, so in the end, the memory of those textures can make a more exhilarating masturbation session. However, the means by which that exhilaration was obtained was an act of selfishness and a violation of one’s personal space. You interrupted a sex session by sticking your hand in the mix where it really did not belong.

Well Karma is a bitch. Hence why in the end, you’ll end up not just alone, but even more so lonely.

Before you go there, I am not being heartless with this criticism. I very much remember my finally coming out to myself at the age of 30, and being a total virgin beforehand. As sexual as you see me to be now just by a google of my name (or my old porn name), do you think that was an easy feat? Absolutely not. During my virgin years, I longed to feel in my hands a man’s cock and grope a naked ass cheek practically every day…. And the horndog I am still does. What stops me from interrupting other’s playing is because I let my respect for others (including their bodies) take much greater precedence over
my lust.

I’m also not heartless on this matter because I know that going immediately from sexually repressive rules immediately to a sexually permissive place is like going to perceived safe-ground, then jumping into fire. Such a leap is sensory overload, which can very much explain their intrusiveness. I would have done the same thing if I made such a leap. Instead, while my story about losing my virginity in a 5-man orgy to who I am today seems like such a jump, I must inform you that you are mistaken. For truth be told, I actually went from masturbating by my imagination, then sometimes using porn, then used my street smarts to be aware of all possible outcomes in the events of the
night leading to that 5-man orgy. So there actually was a process, which is why I can give
advice to you today.

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I’m not trying to incite that we have a bunch of backroom brawls, but too many of us gay males only talk a good game about ownership of our bodies because of our coming out. However, the scenarios I’ve witnessed that have inspired me to write this article show that we don’t. And that needs to change.

Perhaps some tough love must come into play towards those who try living vicariously through our sex party/backroom play to the point of being intrusive. This is troubling because one of the most beautiful components of sex is choice. However, these voyeurs who violate us and our choice in playmate(s) leaves us no choice, but to strip them of choice in return. So a stronger stand must be made when you and your playmate’s bodies are intruded upon.

Definitely tell them, “NO!” Don’t tolerate being intruded upon, then mock those like me who have enough self-respect to tell an intruder that they need to get a life. That way, these intrusive voyeurs will have no choice but to get inspired. Let’s hope that it is to the point that they will cut the noose from the culture(s) limiting them, then finally take the steps to getting their own sex life.

If this betterment happens, I know it won’t happen overnight. But I hope that me saying this spark the much needed change in an intrusive voyeurs behavior. Thereby making voyeurism go back ot being the sexy act it was meant to be.


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LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision on Tumblr, and can be followed on FacebookTwitter and Instagram

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