Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
If you’ve been reading my blogs (or any social media postings of mine) long enough, then you know I am no stranger to sex parties or backrooms. With that being the case, it is safe to say that I know what works for a party, and what does not. I also know what actions some parties partake in that seem to work, but are actually indicative of a problem within those who think it’s okay.
One such problematic action is when the host of a sex party or bar night creates a completely dark backroom. Keep in mind, I said completely dark, not dim. With that in mind, there are 2 levels of such complete darkness, and they all seem to have bad intent:
- When it’s so dark that you might see is a body outline, and a guy must be that be white (or light complexioned) get any inkling of what his face looks like. I assess that such a set-up is catering to sexual racism and fetishizing based on skin color. It’s for those whose sexual racism makes them crave white/light skin, with little care about what the person looks like. Or those who sexual racism wants only medium to dark skinned people, who in so little light look like nothing more than a walking silhouettes. This leads to;
- the other level of darkness which is even more problematic, foolish, and careless when you can’t see anything at all. No skin color. Not a face. Nothing.
All of such set-ups further enable an emotion that we as sexual beings and gay sex-having males need to finally overcome. Especially at this stage of societal gay acceptance… SHAME!!!
Yes, shame! Because such darkness is a clear sign of your shame over the sexual act you are participating in, and with whom you are participating in that sex act with.
If you are with someone you know (like a long-term partner, fuck-buddy, or friend with benefits), then that blinding darkness can be a different story. Since denying oneself of experiencing one or more of the 5 senses can actually heighten the remaining senses. So darkness can be an aid in such an experience.
However, at a sex party/backroom, you are 90+% of the time among strangers. So you have to own the fact that because you are among so many strangers (too many strangers, in fact) you are not in a position to have such an experience YET. Therefore, you should save playing in the deep dark for when you’re with someone you’re more familiar with. And the fact that I own my single relationship status is why can write this article.
With that said, before someone tries to attempt calling me out on how they’ve seen me in such dark spaces, let me tell two things about myself:
- my usual m.o. is to observe in the light first, and when I proceed to the dark space, know enough features that I can see who I’m playing with. This is possible because;
- I have a unique ability of being able to see in the dark. What sparked my need to write this article is because some spaces are so dark, that ability of mine has proven useless. Or even with that ability, possible medium to dark complexioned playmates were being dismissed.
Moving forward, if you go into a such a dark backroom, don’t complain if you discover afterwards that you’ve been pickpocketed. Uh, duh! You knowingly went into a space completely void of enough light to be self-aware. Not sharing the space with someone you knew, but instead with a bunch of strangers. If you leave such a backroom with your phone, wallet, and/or pocket money missing, that’s your error in judgement that you simply have to own. For a backroom where you are denied being able to see is a playground for pickpockets. A fact that is beyond common sense to any intelligent adult. And to display that intelligence, you should check your phone and wallet, and keep your money in a safer place on you.
I’m sure there are some of you ready to retort with how most sex parties have you check your clothes, phones, and wallets, therefore making no need to concern yourself with losing your valuables. Nice try. But trying to make such a point will only lead you back to my initial point being thrown at you again.
Whether it’s shame about:
- having gay sex;
- it being sex at a sex party/backroom, and not a bedroom;
- your substance abuse during sex;
- the color/ethnicity you’ve allowed yourself to be taught to be attracted to, instead of following your own natural attraction, or;
- your loneliness and/or narcissism has bought you to the point that you don’t care who touches you, just as long as someone does;
The fact remains that sex in such deep dark with strangers will always mean you want to avoid seeing something you’re doing during sex, and/or seeing the someone you’re doing those things with. It’s the reason why when the venue is closing or the event is ending, the lights in such spaces are referred to as the “ugly lights”. And as far as I’m concerned, the ugliness exposed is only potentially of the person you were playing with, but it is definite of the partaker’s spirit. Because truth be told, being okay with such darkness shows you’re not as out and proud as you claim to be.
For such party set-ups and claiming to enjoy them might have been okay in a gay space before the Stonewall Riots. But so many years after the Gay Rights Movement was initiated, a time where we are more protected by laws, such darkness is gay males being their own worst enemy by taking a step backwards. Because we should now feel less shame about our gayness and the sexuality that comes with it. And with that, set-up events and party spaces that indicate such pride in our sexuality that we enjoy the sight of our acts and each other.
Well, I’m sorry, but not sorry to say that deep dark sex spaces are not the way to celebrate that pride. Now. I’m not saying to instead have the lights blaring. Just give me enough light to see my potential suitors, and lessen the lights coming on becoming the “ugly lights”. So even in dim light, you can see the beauty of all skin colors from light to dark. Thereby making the only deep dark to love being that of a possible playmate’s skin.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision, and can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.