Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
The main reason anyone partakes of casual sex is out of horniness. Whether it’s your body chemistry, the weather, mating season, whatever the case may be, there is something naturally calling you to join with another body (or bodies). However, while many treat it as a free-for-all that can be enjoyed with reckless abandon, you are involving yourself in an act that includes another human being. So some rules should be considered to make it an enjoyable experience for both of you, and void of bad karma.
1) Not for escapism – In addition to horniness, escapism is one of the main reasons many have casual sex. Unfortunately, escapism as a reason is what has brought on casual sex’s negative stigma. Too many use it to escape their woes, instead of for my Rule #5. For escapism from one’s woes, I advise using masturbation since it keeps you from using another person as a tool.
The only escapism casual sex might be good for is to temporarily escape loneliness. However, even that’s risky reasoning. For body chemicals to make one feel like they’re in love are released during sex. And reaction to this chemical release differ from person to person. So that’s a risk when one is not just alone, but lonely, and your playmate(s) unbeknownst to you has abandonment issues they have not dealt well with. Furthering why casual sex should never be used to escape your woes.
2) Don’t turn off your morality – I’ve come to realize that many feel having a moral fiber (or moralizing) during a casual sex encounter is a bad thing. When in actuality, not moralizing it is why many casual sex encounters can become shameful. For the moment you try to erase morality from anything that involves you and another person, it becomes ugly.
Just because casual sex is often frowned upon, that doesn’t mean you turn off your code of ethics to partake of its pleasures. Sex is an adult act. So let’s treat it as such, and not act like rebellious children when someone sexually-repressed shakes their religious finger at us.
Many try to escape this proverbial finger because it’s a continuation of the religious upbringing telling us sex in general is bad. So in order to enjoy the sex, they try to remove the morality. When actually, it lessens the joy because you unknowingly feel unfulfilled by the encounter. This unfulfillment is due to the fact that, like sex in a relationship, even in casual sex, caring about another person’s feelings adds to the fulfillment. That’s why the next rule is;
3) Acknowledge your playmate as a person – This is why you must moralize your casual sex encounter on some level. As long as another person is involved, you have to consider their goals, their mindset, their sanity in handling such an encounter. Making it all about your gratification means you are just using that person as a hole to stick your dick in, or a pole to put in your hole. That doesn’t speak well of your respect for your playmate. Nor does it speak well in how much you;
4) Respect yourself – Never allow your body to be just a tool for someone to get off to. If you feel you are easily replaceable, then the playmate you have chosen is one you should
regret afterwards. So to avoid that regret, if you have a chance to, watch their behavior beforehand. See if they’re acting like a pollinating bee jumping from flower to flower, or if their desire was sparked solely by the sight of you. If they are the former, leave them be (no pun intended). Rarely involve yourself with someone obviously on the hunt. For that is the quickest way for your body to be treated as disposable. Thereby further justifying those who frown upon casual sex.
5) Celebrate you – One of the greatest motivations for casual sex is the celebration of ur bodies and sexuality within that body. Especially if something in your society’s media
makes it appear that for one reason or another, your body and sexuality are less than desirable.
Case in point, one of my encounters that motivated this post was with a person whose said they reveled in their encounters because they’re transgender. Meanwhile, I myself celebrate racial openness, and sexual open-mind with every encounter. I also celebrate my body being able to bottom 1) popper-free, and 2) with a non-black person. For the sexual racism of gay porn has repeatedly instructed the gay community that we black gay/bisexual males are to only be tops if we have sex with any non-black person. So my casual sex encounters of taking a non-black guy’s cock in a one-on-one, group, or sex party/backroom situation is me give a loud and proud “FUCK YOU” in a cruel way to all nay-sayers when I fuck my top’s cock in the best way.
Whatever the encounter, there is always a reason to celebrate myself. And that is my sole motivation in my casual sex encounters.
As I stated earlier, casual sex has always been marred with shame. These rules of mine don’t diminish the pleasure during sex, nor lessen the joy of it after. In fact, I guarantee that as long as all parties involved partake of these rules, they will greaten your sexual liberation. Therefore, heighten your sexual pleasure and create the fondest of sexual memories.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision, and can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.