X-Rayed Sex: “Even Naked, I Have A Right To NO”

By LeNair Xavier

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A monthly column by Thotyssey’s favorite ex-pornstar and current sexpert.


Ownership of our gay male bodies. For some reason, it seems to be becoming treated like it is a crime to do so.

Such as this instance: At a party having a clothing-optional policy, I will often take advantage of that policy. When I do, there are a number of guys who have adopted the rape culture mindset who touch on me, even after I have politely moved their hand. This invasion of my personal space has seemed to happen more and more over time. To call
attention to it, and alert others who have experienced it that they are not alone (to maybe encourage some of them to speak up), I would (and still do) write posts on Facebook telling of those instances.

So one night at such a clothing-optional party, I was standing there wearing only a sling and thigh-high socks. Then I saw a group of guys talking. One of them asked a brown-haired bearded one why he didn’t strip down. He snidely replied, “Oh, yeah! I get in my underwear, so someone I don’t want to touch me can touch me, then I can write and complain about it on Facebook.”

This was said within both ear and eyeshot of me. So it was meant for me to hear it. And when I did hear it, I thought to myself, “This bitch! This bearded wanna-be-a-man bitch is mocking me for taking ownership of the personal space that is my body! Mocking me for respecting myself! Mocking me for exercising my human right to say ‘No’ when I’m not interested???!!! A right that does not disappear simply because I’m scantily clad or all out
naked.”

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One might think that this guy’s viewpoint offers a possibility as I recently addressed as to why so many guys don’t strip down at underwear parties nowadays. To be honest, my viewpoint I wrote in that piece still stands. The guys there are posers just there to say they’ve been there. Much like the bearded guy trying to mock me. His cheap shot at me was him simply making an excuse to hide his posing.

And if you think I’m paranoid when I said he definitely was referring to me when he made his “write and complain about it on Facebook” reference, when you consider how this is, not just a publicly under-discussed topic, but totally UN-discussed one, who else could he have been talking about? Well, I feel no shame about calling it out. He should feel shame for feeling the need to mock someone for calling out this social epidemic in our community that he’s not adult enough to stand up to. A social epidemic that is definitely given a steroid in the circles of gay nightlife.

For when I post about these instance, few males in gay nightlife give those posts so much as a “Like” on Facebook. This sadly makes it easy to conclude that the stigma of people in nightlife as true – that they have a lack of the self-esteem that they allow such touching to become the norm for them.

When I go-go danced, and did porn, I would allow guys I had no interest in touch me. It was my way of giving a patron something for their masturbation fantasies. An idea of what my skin felt like to enhance those fantasies. That’s understandable for a go-go boy or a porn actor, as long as he does it for every patron, and nothing beyond that. Unfortunately, too many go-go boys today lack the professionalism to keep their preference out of public view, but that was addressed a few years ago on my blog.

This brings me to wonder, what about a regular patron allowing such touch? Why are they allowing themselves to be touched and groped by a person they don’t want to be touched and groped by? Because this of course leads the aggressor on. So of course, they feel entitled to your body even after you suddenly flip the script for no justifiable reason besides using their touch to stroke your ego for a second. Therefore, this problem of unwanted touch might be one many of us have brought and escalated upon ourselves.

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And if it’s not to get your ego stroked, then what is it? Because whatever the case, allowing this unwanted touching and groping makes us have to ask ourselves:

  • Where has gay male’s manhood gone?
  • Why has our community adopted this rape culture?
  • What in our culture has told us that taking ownership of your body is a disrespect to you and your community? And;
  • Is being gay the aftermath of a childhood molestation, therefore a nurtured, and not natural state of being after all?

That last one is the most fearful question. For every time you are touched by someone you don’t want to be touched by and you don’t react, you are feeding right-wingers’ perception that we defining as LGBT do so by choice, instead of naturally. So if we are to be living proof that being gay is our nature, then assert yourself when you receive an unwanted touch. I’m not saying be a jerk from the jump. I’m saying give a 3-strike rule:
·
Strike 1: Politely move the hand
·
Strike 2: Move the hand again, and say “No”, or “Stop”
·
Strike 3: Get bar/club security

If bar/club security proves out of reach or all out inept, and a 4th unwanted touch is done, you have every right to be vicious. I had to go there once myself, and I admit that it was not my proudest moment, but it needed to be done.

With that said, if living in silence of when our personal space is violated is what is considered socially acceptable in the gay community today, then I’m glad to STILL be a rule-breaker. Because I refuse to stay silent when my personal space is violated. For such silence is a clear sign of having little sense of self-worth, and I most notably overcame that feeling when I came out in 2002, and again when I officially retired from the gay porn industry. And this post is my proclaimed refusal to go back.

For every one of us, whether we want to or not, must lead by example. Someone is always watching you, and learning from you. Especially a questioning and newly out individual.

This is why for their sake, but more importantly, our own, we need and must do better.


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LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues.  He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision, and can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.

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