A monthly column by Thotyssey’s favorite ex-pornstar and current sexpert.
From the beginning on my public sexual persona, first in porn as “Tré Xavier”, and now as LeNair Xavier, one part of my mission in sexual enlightenment has always been to empower bottoms when it comes to addressing anal sex.
This is turn means that I must also put tops in check about their role in anal sex. For all of the entertainment outlets that we gays learn from, like porn, refuse to practice a display of checks and balances to all parties involved.
Fraternity X, Raging Stallion, Men.com, and Naked Kombat are just to name four of the too many sites that belittle bottoms. I don’t really have to get into detail about the scenarios on Sites 1,2, and 3. With the bottom almost always laying there and taking dick like a poked pillow instead of a person, or belittling talk to them while they actual show they’re alive by riding a cock, the scenarios set up in their videos tell it all of why they annoy me.
In the case of Naked Kombat, I will admit that I am very much turned on by the wrestling, that leads to the ripping off of underwear, which leads to more wrestling, with a sweaty fuck at the end of it all.
What offends me is the idea that the loser is always a bottom.
I’m offended because put me in that scenario, and there are some guys with whom a proper punishment for me losing a match would be me having to get hard to top them instead. For me laying back and enjoying a hot guy’s cock throbbing and sliding in my ass would be why I would enter some matches. So the idea of a bottom as a loser further
instills a negative I addressed in my post explaining “Why Gay Males Have Anal Sex”.
If we’re going to talk about tops respecting bottoms and bottoms showing self-respect, we even more so need to address products that are to be considered sexual aids, but are anything but.
Let me deal with the main 3: throat numbing spray, numbing anal lubes, and poppers.
ALL 3 OF THESE PRODUCTS were marketed with their initial purpose being to have straight women and gay males who bottom to lessen their self-respect and love for their own bodies. How so, you ask? By accommodating the laziness and unjustified sense of entitlement of too many penetrating males (tops). With the reason they feel entitled being because various ethnic, entertainment, and social cultures have told them they are to be accommodated just because they have and use (probably not well) the penetrating tool known as a penis.
Due to that sense of entitlement, they guys never take the time to make the readiness of the penetrated party’s body match theirs. And such products are their out to never having to learn how to take such time with their sex partner. So if you bottom, the more you use these products, whether you bought them or they given to you by these guys, the more lack of self-respect and love for your own body you are showing.
What is so bad about these products that make it a lack of respect on a bottom’s part to use and a top to influence their use is the following:
Throat numbing spray – If you numb your throat you shut off gagging. Gagging is your body’s natural defense to tell you and your partner that he’s going too far. So where is the love for yourself in shutting that off? And where is the love from your partner if he
wants you to do so?
Numbing anal lube – The most common numbing ingredient in such anal lubes is clover oil extract. Companies think they did good because it’s a natural ingredient. Well, I experimented with this once in a story that got me blocked from Swiss Navy’s Twitter page.
In any case, pain is your body’s natural defense telling you that he’s either being too rough, and/or needs to take more time with you. Again, where is the self-love when you deny yourself, not just the pleasure that comes from a cock sliding back and forth inside you, but also denying yourself the natural alarm system to tell you when he’s doing it wrong? And how much of a man is he really if he lets his male sexual ego have him silence you so you can’t correct him, if need be?
Poppers – I am presently putting together my thoughts for a vlog telling what is in the root for my stance on poppers. But in the meantime, take note that part of that root is because poppers are a chemical. A chemical that will likely kill you if you ingest it. And huffing is ingesting. It’s just not as much at one time.
Sex shops putting profit before health and many gay males defending substance abuse will run to the idea that no solid studies have shown the long term effects of poppers. Well, as someone who works in a sex shop, I see what they won’t tell you. I see the inability for simple directions and instructions to register in a customer. If you don’t see it in someone (yet), it’s probably because poppers are the only substance they use.
With that said, if you think poppers can’t kill you, think again. Perhaps you need a sit-down with the medical examiner who confirmed that porn actor KIng B died at the age of 24 from a toxic level of a chemical from poppers in his system.
Now, if you’re ready to turn your nose up at all I have said, please take this into account: I presently work at a sex shop that sells these products that I’m proudly shitting on. So why would I tell you anything wrong here?
So, bottom-shaming is still going on. It’s just not as in your face as it once was. But that’s because so many of us guys who bottom have allowed ourselves to be enablers to the unjustified sense of male entitlement of so many tops. Therefore, bottom-shaming (overt or subtle) won’t go away until we tell ourselves, then our sex partners that we deserve better.
Do know that I practice what I preach. It might not get me laid as much, even when I want to be a bottom-respecting top. But when I do get laid, it’s a lot more satisfying. Because I stood my ground on a decision I made out of respect for my body, and my partner’s. No one made this decision for me. And I write this hoping for that same ownership of one’s body for you.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He will be reading selections of his poetry at the 8th Annual Rainbow Book Fair at John Jay College on April 9th, and he will be bartending for the Leslie-Lohman Art Fair on May 15th. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision, and can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.