Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
Are you a non-black total bottom, but will only have sex with black males?
Are you a non-black bottom or versatile male, but out of fear or a proclaimed preference” won’t have sex with black males?
Are you a versatile non-black male who tops with every color/ethnicity, but with black males, you will only bottom?
Are you a non-black versatile male who has an open relationship? With a black top as your primary relationship, only encountering black who are bottoms or versatile in outside trysts?
Are you a versatile Black male open to sex/dating with all colors/ethnicities, but only get to bottom with other Black males?
Or are you a black male that seeks to be a top only to non-blacks?
If you can answer “Yes” to any of these questions, then you have likely become victim to a limiting and racist notion planted in your head by interracial gay porn.
Why Blame Porn
If you know of many of my other writings about the sexual issues and misconceptions plaguing the gay male community, then you know that I blame gay porn for a lot of it. It’s because the visionary details of sex between gay males is not going to be taught to you by your straight mother and father. Your relationship principles, maybe. But not seeing yourself and the sex you have as beautiful. Especially, when many societies across the globe make gay sex seem ugly. So when a gay male realizes he’s gay, that leaves gay porn to be his only teacher. Even though the industry dodges that responsibility when they feel a profit won’t be made from acknowledging it.
One reason I got into porn, marketing my versatile self to only bottom in front of the camera was because there were no black male bottom pornstars. And there still aren’t. But what did they make a black pornstar then and now? Black males whose just about every porn scene shows them having angry sex with a non-black person. It’s the imagery that epitomizes why there are non-blacks who fear sex with black males. Even I as a black man distance myself when I am propositioned by a black male showing that brand of “bravado”.
Not out of fear, but out of shame. Shame that this is the brand of behavior racism lumps me with. These black males who are weak-minded enough to exemplify it. Plus, you are known for the company that you keep.
Years ago, I was at a charity Bingo game, and a white patron was telling a Latino friend of mine that he no longer dates black men, because all of the black males he dated had hit him. He admitted being a bottom, which means his black lovers were tops. So knowing of the aforementioned porn induced image of a black male, it’s easy to conclude that the reason every black boyfriend this white guy had abused him was because he repeatedly chose the porn-induced idea of what a sexy is – a black male using sex for violence. Whether or not that is the case, violence after the sex is what happens in a life with not just a black male, but any male whose sexual behavior is that violent. Andjust about every interracial porn scene shows the black male topping doing something violently aggressive. Things along the lines of pinning a bottom’s arms behind hishead, pushing the bottom’s head into a bed, or choking the bottom.
This way of portraying black males is not sex with passion, but sex with violence.
That’s why if I come across a porn scene featuring thosetypes of black gay porn actors, I won’t watch it. I don’t need to see the sexual behavior many non-blacks expect of me in a scene. So this leaves me to seldom watch what’s called “sex” in interracial gay porn. Leaving the only interracial gay porn I stay and watch for the long haul being myself with a non-black playmate when there’s a mirror nearby.
Why We Don’t Want To Question This
Many gays don’t want to question whether or not their attraction to black gay males as tops is their natural attraction or influenced by gay media. It is because it means teaching yourself to be an individual thinker all over again. You thought you had become an individual thinker when you were following the instructions of your parents to grow up, get married, and have kids. Then you realized that was wrong when you came out to yourself as gay. So you had to undo a lot of what you were taught about relationships and your body because of those things you were taught by your parents/guardian thinking you were going to be straight. So now thinking coming out has made you an individual thinker makes it a tough pill to swallow that what your gay friends, gay media, and gay porn has taught you about black gay males (including other aspects of gay sex) being wrong. For that means you need to undo a long taught thought process all over again.
Well, why is that so hard? You had to do it when you came out to yourself. Undoing some of your parents’ lessons. So why is it so hard to question and undo the messages taught to you with the main source being a stranger in a magazine or online? Especially when it (unlike this message from me) can time and time again be proven wrong. But that’s what many of us gays do. Therefore, never growing.
Furthermore, there’s a hypocrisy from gay media at play. For there’s a lot in the gay community telling us in order to be gay, you must be a certain way, and like a certain thing in a certain way. And that includes telling the open-minded what type of black male to desire, and how sex with him should be. Hence why most white, Latinos, Asians, and Middle Easterners who venture into relationships with black often assume the bottom role during sex.
So we’ve been led to believe we left the chains of conformity enforced by our parents, religion, etc., but in essence, we have simply exchanged one chain of conformity for another. And this new chain is leading members of our community who we should initially applaud for their racial open-mindedness to become victims of violence.
The violence I speak of is from the pressure put on black males to assume these porn-induced roles. For we as black males are told time and time again to not talk about racism. Otherwise (even though it’s justified), we will be seen as “angry”. This includes anger over us being made a fetish of. With that in mind, if you think that won’t cause some level of resentment to be brewing in black males over the days, weeks, months, years of playing uber-aggressive top, think again.
And remember, not all violence is physical and mental. Verbal violence which is often included with physical can actually replace physical violence.
Where Does This Leave Black Bottoms
For one, this leaves bottoming and versatile blacks who have found a non-black to accept them as a total bottom or versatile with them to be very lucky. However, this is not the case of most.
Due to this racist protocol ingrained into our gay brains, most bottoming and versatile blacks who are more prone to interracial relationships often end up being a one-night stand, or a backroom/sex party tryst. The same can also happen to many black tops, since American racism in general (but more so in the gay community) leads many whites, Latinos, Asians, and Middle Easterners to regard blacks as a “just fuck, but never date/marry” color. But this is done more often to black bottoms, than tops. And when these bottoms do get in a seemingly good interracial dating situation, they are often easily replaced by a black top. Even though because being a bottoming or versatile black is not the porn-induced picture of a worthwhile black male, they are more likely to go against type. Thereby having the better character in the long run.
So by following all of these porn-induced rules, who wins in that long run? …NO ONE. It becomes another reason why it continues to be true that gay relationships tend to be shorter than straight relationships. Non-blacks coding their racism as “preference”. Blacks miserable assuming porn-induced roles. Non-blacks so misled to think fetishizing is good that they force a facade of a happy coupling with blacks. And blacks who have simply given up altogether.
This needs to end, people. And it needs to start ending NOW!
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision, and can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.