By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
Some years ago, I attended a casting call held at G Lounge for a reality show to take place on a boat. I felt my backstory could definitely make for good television. So I went there and told them everything. Starting with my coming out as I was nearing 31. That same night being when I lost my virginity. And 3 years later entering the porn industry.
In response, the casting person said, “Boy! When you came out, you really came out!”
I jokingly told them, “Yeah. I kinda had to make up for lost time.”
Thinking back on that casting call and my response, I started to wonder how much of my sexual journey has been me making up for lost time, and how much was simply because I’m that much of a sexual being. But I also started to think about how many gay males should ask that same question of themselves about their sexual experiences.
It is unfortunate how America’s puritanical attitude towards sexuality treats a gay or bisexual person’s coming out as a means to label them as “hypersexual”. When one being hypersexual means a lot more than a simple revelation of not complying to right-wing homophobia with their ignorant idea that you can pray away the gay.
This makes it necessary to explain what it means when someone is truly hypersexual.
According to the Mayo Clinic, hypersexuality is an “intense focus on sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors that can’t be controlled”. And while things like masturbation, multiple sex partners, cybersex, porn viewing, and soliciting sex are common acts in gay sex culture, they are not signs of hypersexuality unless they interfere with one’s daily life.
With that being the case, the number of right-wing politicians caught in sex scandals in which government money was used for prostitution show themselves to be more hypersexual than the typical gay or bisexual. So right-wingers accusing gays and bisexuals of being hypersexual is an act of things this administration are known for – deflection, distraction, and projection.
With my written history of going to play spaces, I know some write me off as being hypersexual. Well, based on the aforementioned definition, I am just a sexual being. I am continuously curious and fascinated by sex. With my adventurous Aries nature, to the point that I am often willing to throw myself into the thick of some sexual situations to get answers. As long as it doesn’t interfere with my day to day, I am not exhibiting the traits of someone that can be classified as “hypersexual”.
However, I am self-aware enough to admit that some of my sexual escapades were (and still are) done out of a need to do as I said to that casting person, make up for lost time. Such experiences are a means to educate myself with firsthand experience to overcome the sexual repression my religious upbringing put upon me.
I firmly believe that many gay males fall into the category of making up for lost time. The problem is few learn how to handle it without being a narcissist. They go on a hunt for their own lust. Completely ignoring that it will be another human being on the opposite end of that exchange that has lust and requirements for satisfaction of their own.
While there are some gay and bisexual males who do like myself and go to play spaces, there are some that never have and never will be interested in doing any such thing. For many gay males have sexual escapades that make for not only great adventures, but also some hurtful misadventures. And for some, there comes a point when such thrills stop. If not because of less opportunities being offered, then it’s because of the individual removing themselves from such environments.
I must admit that when I see someone who once went to overtly sexual environments suddenly remove themselves, I do get suspicious. One must wonder if this decision is because: their time in the environment was them sowing their wild oats; one or more traumatic instances occurred; them caving to societal shame towards sexuality; or a combination of all of the aforementioned.
Such as pornstars who leave the industry claiming to have “found God”. With them I definitely wonder if their leaving the industry was a combination of trauma on set and that trauma leading to the cries of shame towards sexuality from an hypocritical culture getting louder in the minds.
This is something I can easily see the signs of because I myself have been involved with a couple of guys over time who will claim having sexual adventures in their past, but it is now something they claim to have moved beyond. Causing me to side-eye them because those guys were still single, became religious and tried denouncing that sexual side before meeting me, yet found themselves drawn to me in spite of my honesty upon first meeting of who I am and what I have done. And since religion is what greatly contributed to repression and lying to myself about my own sexuality, them approaching me makes me quite weary.
In the end, we should take note that the idea of gay males being hypersexual is a stigma that may be true for some, but is mainly brought upon us by “heterosexual” homophobes trying to distract us from seeing their actual hypersexuality. Knowing this, we must individually ask ourselves whether or not we are going to allow that stigma to weigh on us. I, for one, am not.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
