By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
Over my years out, I have heard many terminologies for many various types of people, places, and things within LGBTQ+ living. Some I have embraced. Others I needed a moment to think about. While there are others that I have flat out rejected and condemned. One such term is “gold star gay.”
A gold star gay is a term originally meant to describe a gay male that has never had sex with a cisgendered female. While it is not a term used often in public forums, I felt it needed addressing because in any gay gathering in which sex is a topic of discussion or actually happening, someone will bring it up. Even though for reasons that have furthered my disgust for the term, the term has become outdated.
The reasons I abhor the term, “gold star gay” so much is for 2 reasons:
- It perpetuates a false superiority. For like in grade school, a gold star was given when you are the best at something. Therefore, calling someone a “gold star gay” is meant to perpetuate the idea that one is a better gay male for realizing their homosexuality without ever having sex with a cis female. Well, that is quite dismissive of the reality of the real world.
For while I define as a bisexual that is a lot more gay than straight (homo-romantic bisexual, for short), I can recall my sexual awakening in grade school. Including how I allowed my sexual attraction to girls be what I voiced out loud and acted on even though I felt so sexually attracted to males that I feared being around the male sibling(s) of those girls. My thinking has always been advanced beyond my years. Anyway, the reason I voiced and acted on the female attraction is because that is what many males are taught to do.
With that said, due to religious and cultural teachings leading up to and during a male’s formative years, it is quite common for a gay male to have had a sexual experience with a female. Thereby making it not necessarily his fault. Therefore, he should not be branded with a terminology to make him feel like he is less than within his own community. No matter how late he is in discovering it; - It ignores trans males. For the term “gold star gay” was started before trans-visibility became what it is today. So let’s say for arguments sake that I was ignorant enough to play along and use this terminology. There are (and always have been) some gays using the term to mean more than just as a guy that has never had sex with a woman. Transphobic gays use it to mean a gay male that has never put his penis inside a vagina. Such a mindset treats trans males as less of a male.
This should be unacceptable.
For we have enough –isms within the gay community that make us a community in word only. We don’t need anti-trans rhetoric added to the divisiveness within the community. This presidential administration is anti-trans enough. Therefore, such behavior exemplifies how I said some gays claim to hate Trump but act just like him.
Also, when the term “gold star gay” includes never topping a trans male, it again perpetuates the idea that one is a better gay man for it. When if one is foolish enough to make a competition out of it, it’s the gay male that has topped both cisgendered and trans males that has the upper hand. For if a male has studied how to pleasure both a butt and a vagina, then he has the better skillset for pleasuring any type of body by putting his penis in whatever orifice that bottom uses for sexual gratification.
To me, that makes a male more well-rounded and open-minded, which ups his sex appeal to me. And I’m not just saying that because I am such a man.
With all of that said, let me proudly confess that I am NOT a “gold star gay” by either definition. So why do I take such offense to hearing one referred to as being a “gold star gay”? Because everything doesn’t need a label. Nor does every aspect of being a gay male have to be a competition. Especially within your own community. In this case, the term “gold star gay” makes a competition simply by its wording.
So I suggest we be better than this. Let’s celebrate one another’s coming out journey. And we can do that firstly by praising the fact that regardless of our various pasts, we found a way to be honest with ourselves and be out and proud today.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
Thotyssey 