By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette. [Cover photo: Nadzeya Haroshka / Getty Images]
Recently, I saw a video clip on Twitter/X of an interview with Darryl Stephens of Noah’s Arc fame. In the clip, he spoke of how much seeking deeper connection is gone, and intimacy is treated as disposable. Hearing this got me thinking of how the dating scene has changed since my coming out in 2002.
When I came out in February 2002, a good number of my dates for those first few years came from nights at clubs (that are no longer here) like The Roxy and Splash in which good conversation resulted in an exchange of phone numbers to result in a date. Or a one-night stand in which the conversation after the sex was so much greater than the chatting before we left the bar/club that both of us wanted more.
Compared to today, how was that possible?
It is because between both parties, a spark was born from the conversation part of the night. Enough to make the 2 parties click. And in the one-night stand scenario, such conversations after discovering you have great sexual chemistry makes considering dating an even greater possibility. I still hold out for that possibility.
Since I feel sex is both a physical and spiritual connection, any guy I fool around with has the option to be upgraded to a dating situation. The exception to that rule is when alcohol and/or substance abuse is involved in the encounter. Being that I am a romantic, to avoid jumping the gun in the early stages, I leave it to the other guy to make the first move of us considering dating. Later on down the line is when I may push pass my shyness and bring up dating. The fact many guys don’t allow either these days is the point of this article.
For some reason, these days, there is a level of narcissism between gay males that in spite of that great conversation, taking the intimacy further is not often an option. And if it is an option, those possibilities are based on various prejudices, such ageism, racism, body type, toxic masculinity, and flamboyance. Otherwise, there are few romantics left among us. Many doubt such a get-together is possible. So believing it is possible is either frowned upon or mocked. And acting on any glimmer of hope gets one treated as “clingy” when you are actually just being a feeling human being.
During sex, your bodies joined cause an exchange of DNA. Even more so now because unlike when I first came out, less guys are using condoms. That makes this lessening of intimacy among us even more concerning. So it makes you wonder how did the open mixing of DNA from a bare penis plus pre-cum and cum touching the raw flesh of an anus and rectal walls result in less intimacy, instead of more. The more we had back when more of us wore condoms.
So what happened between my time coming out and now?
Laziness via apps, for sure. The writing is definitely on the wall when you can go to, of all gay bars, The Cock, on even a busy night and find people looking on Grindr, Jack’d, or some other gay hook-up app instead of interacting. Such apps enable both 1) avoidance of the possible embarrassment from rejection being seen, and; 2) the cowardice to display all of your prejudices without the consequences you might endure doing it to one’s face.
There is also the behaviors I mentioned in a previous article about what I’ve seen at play spaces after the 2020 Lockdown. The apps were starting the social ineptitude, but the 2020 Lockdown deeper entrenched that social ineptitude into many males’ modus operandi.
If I seem immune to displaying this behavior it is because 1) most of those hook-up apps are marketed to white males, assimilating males of color, and those willing to be fetishized by the previous 2 mentioned; 2) I have been the one dismissed. Despite all the behavioral signs showing there’s something more there, as I stated experiencing in my early years of being out; 3) after the 2020 Lockdown, I was so ready to get out and socialize again. Meditating on how to keep myself in control once I got back into the world, and; 4) I hardly ever live by the mentality of “If you can’t beat ‘em, join’ em”.
For I see the big picture and how Karma will show herself if I practice the dismissal of intimacy I see so many males do today. Seeing to it that if I refuse to see good when I have it, I’ll later end up not just alone, but lonely. Flashing back to some of those that will have me singing “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda”.
With all of that said, you might be wondering where does this realization of today’s gay male leave us single men. I see it as a test. A test to make yourself available to let a good man in, instead of searching for one. For if you search, you will find something, but it will most likely not be something you need. So it is also a test to not define yourself by your relationship status. For if you go shopping for apples and all of the apples are bad, that does not make you a bad shopper. It makes you an attentive one that values your own health. The same goes for when you go into any space where it is possible to meet a man.
In short, do not lessen your worth just because people around you have lessened theirs. Trust that in the mirky sea of ineptitude, the light of someone who values themself will eventually make their way to meet up with your light because you have valued yourself.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
Thotyssey 