Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
Presently, a lot of gay male behavior in sexually permissive spaces shows that they lost whatever social skills they had because the lockdown put them out of practice. Although, in most cases, they probably did not have much skill at all before the lockdown. The lockdown taking them out of practice of using what little they had just made their lack of social skills way more obvious when live interactions became an option again.
This behavior left over from the lockdown has probably manifested itself in sexually permissive spaces in a number of ways. However for this article, I will focus on the 3 I’ve witnessed most and what most likely brought it about.
- Living vicariously through others – It seems that when someone at a sex party/backroom finds a playmate, many gather around to watch the action. The problem is…they never leave.
In my erotica tale for Kiiroo, “The Risky Dark“, the sexual energy between my playmate and I caused folks to gather around us. What pleased me most with it is that even if they touched one or both of us, they didn’t stay around. The voyeurs instead would touch one or both of us, then take the energy from that touch over to whoever they were playing with.
IF you are given consent to touch the person(s) you’re playing voyeur to, THAT is how you should do it. Endless watching takes away from the time you could be having your own fun.
Since the lockdown, you would think that males would be so glad to be out and about that they would be so on the hunt that they would find touch and screw any and everybody. In fact, it seems I wrongly predicted that to be the case when spaces re-opened. For what is happening instead is that while many guys do act like they are starving for touch and sex, they undo their own goal by gawking at someone else sucking and fucking.
- Intrusion upon one’s playtime – In a previous “X-Rayed Sex” article, I predicted a bit of a feeding frenzy when sexually permissive spaces re-opened. However, I did not predict an increase in intrusions upon one’s play session.
The attitude of sexual entitlement by white/light males plus my small stature has long made me a target for displays of racially-motivated intrusions by white and light-skinned males in numerous documented instances. Feeling they deserve the white/light-skinned person I’m with more than I do because their skin color is closer. However, since the re-opening of sexual spaces post-lockdown, I have witnessed this intrusion happen to white and light-skinned guys as well. Leading to an increase in frustration all around.
In any case, these intrusions and perpetrators being baffled by any version of “NO” is causing an increase in the need to address the rape culture greatly enabled by facets of the gay male community. That I will get into at another time. If not here at Thotyssey, then on either my blog or on Medium.
- Need to be seen – These displays of social ineptitude is not just for those who are voyeurs and intruders. It is also displayed by some pairs and groups who are playing among themselves. By way of how they need to be seen in these spaces. Instead of just playing and having the healthy exhibitionist attitude of “me and my playmate got in the mood to fuck, and you just happened to be there” wherever they just happened to be, they instead seek an open area, like a stage or go-go boy’s dancing box as a means to be seen.
One example to prove this is how I have seen guys sitting on the same seats that I have sat on in a sexually permissive space, then the mood to fuck strikes and they go at it right then and there. As any healthy-minded exhibitionist should since the space allows it. Meanwhile, some guys inciting the need for this article wait and wait and wait on those same seats. And don’t move until they could get the space for a crowd to form around them. So the idea of an audience is not met with a “who cares” attitude. Instead for them, an audience…is a need.
I don’t know if their display is out of a desperation for validation of their sexual orientation, a desperation for validation of their relationship by letting a crowd watch, or them having no other means to be thrill-seekers. Whatever the case, such instances have seemed to increase since the reopening. But one thing I am sure of is what incited it all.
I know I say it often, but I again firmly believe that porn is at the heart of all of this. However, not as much in the way that I usually accuse porn of being problematic. For while gay porn scenes still contribute to a lot of the prejudices we have about one another and misinformation about sex, this time the fault is lying more in the viewers never coming back into reality.
For I have heard many males say how their porn consumption increased during the lockdown. Understandable when during the lockdown, it was recommended to not go out of your home unless for necessities like food. And since casual sex is not a necessity, living vicariously through those doing porn is how many vented their sexual urges. Myself included.
The problem Is that once spaces reopened, many of these guys quickly walked out of the door to go to sexual spaces. However, they never deprogrammed themselves from the mindset they adopted while taking in even more porn than before the lockdown.
So as the Omicron variant has made some folks go back to putting themselves on lockdown, once that passes, are these displays of social ineptitude going to get even worse? Even worse than what made me need to write this article? Well, this article was written to address the matter so that even worse outcome doesn’t happen. So feel free to share it. Because it is bad enough as it is. And no problem gets solved until you address it without mincing words.
And when have you ever known me to mince words?… Now, you know why.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.