By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette. [Cover image: Henry Scott Tuke “The Critics” 1927 Courtesy of Leamington Spa Art Gallery & Museum (Warwick District Council)
Venturing to sexually permissive spaces, many would wonder if a sex blogger is not being a wallflower, then how do they get their information about what is going on in such spaces and the mindset of many towards sexuality. How do they know if and how they may be evolving?
In short, how does a sex blogger get 411 if they are dipping their toe in the pool of lustfulness?
I cannot speak for all sex bloggers, but I can definitely speak for myself. And based on how often people have come to me over the years confirming what I have witnessed, I seem to have found a method to stay informed that actually works.
With accumulating all this information, anyone I play with might feel they are not being prioritized. Which would be hypocritical coming from me since I wrote a poem about prioritizing your sex partner when creating fansite content. But there is no hypocrisy to report. For my method of getting information is done distinctly to prioritize and respect my sex partner(s).
So what is my method exactly?
Regardless of what kind of space or event it is, I am almost always at first a wallflower. My brain is always going because I am continuously multi-tasking. In this case, I am observing the room to take note of behaviors. Noting what might have evolved from what I have written about before, as well as noting if a new behavior has shown itself. At the very same time, while I try to never be on the hunt, I am also leaving myself open to meet someone. Figuring out who is worthy of my time, and who should I avoid like a plague.
My meeting someone does not completely turn off my observations of the room. My interaction with anyone and my observation of the room instead gets compartmentalized into focuses for my conscious and subconscious minds. My interaction with the individual is a focus for my conscious mind, while my observations of the room continue as a focus for my subconscious.
I’m sure it will surprise many, but the focus of my conscious mind being on an individual includes doing so during any play we might partake of in the areas of the space. Probably not so surprising to anyone who has seen me in person though. For they should agree when I say that as a top or bottom, I am attentive and admiring of my bottom’s body. To the point that I do not allow people to try horning in on our fun.
With hindsight being 20/20, it is in my thinking back to the encounter that I get the lessons that I pass on to readers. All of the information my subconscious was taking in during the encounter comes to the forefront of my mind to tell what transpired and what I’ve learned. Based on my posts, some of the things that come to the forefront are observations like:
“That guy was tall”
“That guy was short. And he topped you…And he was assertive as fuck about it!”
And one I most enjoyed over my birthday weekend was
“For 2 nights straight, guys were looking at the guy I was with and myself like we were strange! But why?…Oh, shit! That’s right! The guy from Friday night was Asian…And he topped you! And the guy from Saturday was also Asian…And he topped you, too! So on 2 consecutive nights, you had an Asian topping your Black self! That is damn there pretty much unseen and unheard of!”
Mentioning such hindsight on my social platforms and articles is my way to (at least try to) undo the racist sexual expectations influenced by porn that many males have unconsciously come to follow. Even when it is disrespectful to them.
That hindsight also debunks those claiming they don’t see color. For with those guys, I clearly saw they were Asian. And my finding them sexy did what respect for one’s sexiness should do…It did not allow taught prejudices to dictate the role they could take on with me. If I did, I would have been pushing to make them bottoms, and they would have pushed to make me their tops. And that is just one example of the misinformation I have tried to undo. Many of the articles of “X-Rayed Sex” and throughout my sex blogging history are born from realizations made by that compartmentalizing in sexual spaces.
Now, while explained in great detail, the point of this article is not to boast about my technique of collecting information. It is, like all of my articles, meant to pass on information.
With that said, I know the compartmentalizing I mentioned is not easy to do. It does take time. But in the end, you will find it quite beneficial. To not just your sex party & darkroom excursions. But also your one-night and long-term sexual encounters. So once you’ve mastered how to do that compartmentalizing, you will also better your skills as a lover. And who doesn’t want that?
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
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