By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
One idea that has too long been propagated in the gay male community has been that one’s sex appeal ends at age 30. In addition, the propagated salvation to turning that around is someone under 30 finding you attractive. And the more under 30-somethings lusting after you, the more validated your sex appeal is as far as such people are concerned.
Well, I beg to differ.
And before I continue, let me warn you that you will see the word “propagated” (or a synonym) a lot. For a lot of the ideas followed in various facets of the gay male community are those propagated by various “-isms”. In this case, it’s ageism. Be that ageism in gay cinema, gay porn, gay photography, gay news, or gay nightlife.
I see these problematic credentials for sex appeal propagated most via the ongoing marriage between gay porn and gay nightlife, in which the former can negatively influences the latter.
Over the years, there have been several articles claiming that guys over 30 should not be out at the clubs. And some party promoters (some who are over 30 themselves) are looking to make the under-30 crowd their sole audience. A move that is very narrow-minded and laying the path for bad karma.
For one, if not for the attendance of guys over 30, there would be no gay bars/clubs. Because the ageism in the gay community makes gays under 30 not want to pay for their own drinks. This is incited by self-entitlement and the sexualizing of daddy issues incited by gay porn, in which they feel they can mooch off of older males instead of working hard for their own. Case in point, get the backstory on many young gay “entrepreneurs” and see how many were financially backed by an older male(s) that coincidentally is out of the picture once their business became a success. I think a few such younger guys stopped talking to me when I mentioned this before, and I didn’t even mention their name.
Also, with the feeling entitled, if the under 30 guys tip the go-go boys and bartenders, they usually don’t tip them well. So as far as I can see, the problem is not us guys over the age of 30 being at the clubs. The problem is the affirmation some of us are looking for by being there. For it is a worn-down self-esteem that makes them succumb to the criteria for young acceptance.
In regard to porn’s influence, many older guys are looking to play with younger gay males. In some instances, significantly younger gay males. Hence another avenue of such negative encouragement are porn sites like TwinkTop and FamilyDick. Porn sites featuring older guys pursuing twinks. Sometimes these older guys have more gray hair and more of a dadbod than me. The most disgusting scenes however are those with twinks looking like underage children. Whether they are actually of legal age is not the point. The point is no one even over the legal drinking age should be lusting for someone who can pass for a minor, unless that person has a medical condition that makes them look that young.
And before someone tries to call themselves “calling me out” for my backroom tryst with younger guys. The younger guys I have been with cannot pass for being underage. They may look young, but at least that young look is that of a young adult. The problem I’m addressing here is how there are many older guys who make that underage look the target for their lust. Perhaps it is a means to feel young again, or it is completely a means to intentionally border on pedophilia. Either way, they are behaviors validated by such porn scenarios. Scenarios that have at times featured guys who I have played with in NYC gay nightlife. Disgusting me to the point that I have personally boycotted ever watching them in a scene.
Perhaps since I don’t look over 50 years old to many, I don’t feel this desperation for validation to the point of tolerating that behavior from younger guys. Or it might be because the sex I’ve had that outdoes many other encounters in-between and since is with someone who is 5 years older than my soon-to-be 52 year-old self. So yes, I have played with guys my own age and older. Proof that I have no need to make it a mission to snag young gays to prove my sex appeal. I believe if you present yourself with the confidence of your sex appeal despite what society tells you, meeting such criteria will matter to you a whole lot less.
In fact, in case you missed it, my article addressing that was recently on Medium.
Every year since I was about to turn 42, I have made collages and composites celebrating my upcoming age. As I have stated often to my most loyal followers, part of the reason I make those collages and composites is to celebrate getting older. For much in our society don’t allow too many of us in the LGBTQ+ community to peacefully reach our 40s and beyond. However, what I have not pointed out until now is that the gay community itself doesn’t help to undo this crisis. The displays of ageism in the gay community mentioned in this article are major contributors. If not by substance abuse to fit in with the substance-abusing young “in-crowd”, sometimes overdosing, then it is by suicide from the loneliness those ostracizing instances brings forth over time.
Well, if you follow me enough on social media, then you can see that I refuse to be the latest statistic in this under-discussed crisis within the gay community. So I hope this article incites older gays to do the same for themselves. As for younger readers, start seeing the big picture that includes their future. Asking themselves if in their years over 30 and finding themselves single, if they want to spend their remaining years showing real gay pride, or a mockery of it. By being mooched off of by younger gays and/or living vicariously through them.
So in short, as with many things, the remedy is taking the needed alone time to look within. To ask yourself: How do I want to be treated when time turns the tables?
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
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