By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
I have long said that sex is both a physical and spiritual connection. Well, the same duality can be said as to how sex is also a physical and spiritual celebration. At least in my eyes.
If growing up in a religious household did any good for me, it made me also want sex to not only want sex to be a physical celebration, but also a spiritual one. It is why I never say a fuck is “just a fuck.” For that is being dismissive of a human being. So I did the work on myself to make that happen. I hope many LGBTQ+ people start doing the same.
For now, I see every sexual encounter as me telling my sex partner “You belong.” Every sex encounter is also several flips of the bird. For it is flipping the bird to how many times religion in my upbringing tried to tell me that being any degree of gay is wrong. It is flipping the bird to the past supervisor who harassed me and the boss who allowed it when I first entered the workforce. It is flipping the bird to those (straight and gay) who act like Pride marches are too sexualized with their nudity. In their short-sightedness, they ignore the fact that nudity does not always equal sex. In can instead be a sign of the body-positivity. Body-positivity needed to counter the body-shaming many of us endure when we come out as LGBTQ+. All because of how we are not using our genitalia for hetero-normative sex and procreation. And if it’s not that shaming, then it is to counter shame from within our own community as to how we may not be the gay media-endorsed false supremacy in regards to age, height, weight, and skin color with a closer proximity to whiteness.
The sex I have is not to silence such voices in my head. I have gotten so far pass what a number of such people have said to me that I can hardly recall any exact words. What I am saying here is that in moments of reflection in the afterglow of sex and beyond, images of such people can surface. Remembering not the words, but having emotional memory that they did say something intended to make me feel like I did not belong. And when their faces appear, I mentally give them a big old-fashioned “Fuck you!”
With that reflection of their rhetoric, I will admit that their negativity is a driving force in my being a sex educator. Especially for gay males.
So many of us growing up in similar scenarios is what makes many of us be unable to have a sexual encounter free of substances, and that includes poppers. For many, sex itself is not the only high. The anticipation and trust of a sex partner is not the anal relaxer that it should be. Enter the substances, which I believe are to either block out those negative voices in their mind and/or be a means to hear the voices, but make the body focus on sex enough to not react to those voices. Because sometimes, whispers in the back of your mind can make your body react like they are earthquake-causing screams.
I fought hard before and continue to fight today to overcome all of this.
And in that overcoming, I wrote this poem “Fuck To Celebrate” to address the physical celebration of sex. I hope that you agree.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.