By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
A male customer came into the sex shop I presently work at and asked for a book about how to masturbate. Yes, you read correct—How to masturbate.
I’m sure you’re going to the quick male response of “Wrap your hand around your cock and get to stroking,” or “Find something about the size of a cock and put it in your ass.”
That’s a simple typical response, but it is also a shallow one. A shallow response I must confess that my brain automatically went to as well. However, the sex educator in me was sure it was beyond that. So I asked him what exactly he meant. And it was as I figured.
He was talking psychologically. More so getting in a good head space to make masturbation more fulfilling. Once this customer said that I realized many males (even the majority) are probably suffering from the same problem. They just don’t realize it because males across the globe are taught to act all-knowing about sex. Meanwhile, if their partners are honest, most males could use plenty of help in pleasuring not just their partner, but also themselves.
I felt it would be a good topic to start on here, and maybe even elaborate on by way of a book in the future. As proper knowledge of how to masturbate not only teaches a male how to achieve pleasure for himself, but also make it his primary goal in giving that pleasure to his sex partner. Thereby undo the selfishness too many males presently display in their sex play because of the influences by various brands of cultures and pornography.
So how exactly do those brands of cultures and pornography hinder a male’s ability to get total fulfillment by masturbation:
Cultural Repression
Many cultures make one feel shame for masturbating. Males are taught to either be celibate, but more likely always be on the hunt for the real thing. These masturbation-shaming cultures can be based on ethnicity, religion, a parent’s sexual trauma passed down, or the individual’s sexual trauma.
Case in point, my religious upbringing made masturbation seem so wrong that in my sexually formative teen years, I would often bargain with God that I would abstain from masturbating for X amount of days if he gave me what I was praying for. I stopped that once I realized how necessary masturbation was to my serenity and is not something to be ashamed of. That is why I told this customer to let masturbation be a means to put all of that shaming he might have been taught out of his head. For as adults, we need to learn our body and those things could be preventing our education and fulfillment.
That is how I overcame my shame. That and believe it or not, my coming out. Letting it be the start of not only my being honest with myself about my sexual orientation, but also me taking pride in learning my body through masturbating. Then studying what I liked that would be common to other males so I could pass it on to my sex partners and listen to their responses as I tried other things to learn the rest of their erogenous zones.
Porn is too in your head
I also asked the customer how much porn he watched. Does he think he watches a little, average, or a lot. He said that he watches a fair amount.
With that I pointed out that one of the greatest problems in many sex lives today is the massive lack of imagination. It seems many are running to porn scenarios from beginning to end as a guidebook. And that method makes you fail before you even start.
For what you are following is not you. It is not your fantasy. It is someone else’s fantasy. But many are unconsciously adopting those fantasies as their own. Add to how a lot of porn genres and scenarios today are more depravity than fantasy, and you have an additional reason as to how it is preventing many males from having a mentally healthy masturbation.
I told the customer how with my pornography viewing, I use porn as a starting point. Whichever person(s) I find attractive, I take them out of that (too often ugly) scenario and put them into my own fantasy scene, even while that porn is still playing.
With that said, one can actually watch a scene of depravity and not take it in. The reason I have been known to make scenes of depravity such an issue in my social media and blogging is because I know most are not able to make that distinction. Many will take that scene of depravity as a validation of it. Then not only role-play with it, but actually do it, and we don’t want that.
If males really knew how to masturbate, there are certain things they would not wish to see in porn or in real life. They would not be turned on watching a male or female’s eyes widen or wince as they let out moans in pain, instead of pleasure as they take in and endure penetration by a penis or sex toy.
For pain should not be seen as synonymous with anal and vaginal penetration. In a BDSM scene leading up to anal or vaginal sex, pain might be a part of it. But not during the anal or vaginal intercourse. Such information would be more second nature to more males if they knew how to masturbate and leave the aforementioned hindrances out of their masturbation session.
Masturbation can be quite sexually fulfilling if it is done physically and mentally right. So yes, there is a right and wrong way to masturbate. It is how I survived the lockdown of 2020, and it is why before and after that I can go into a sexually permissive space, and not be on the hunt. And I have no shame admitting to that. In fact, I’m sure anyone who has seen me in such spaces can probably attest hearing me say, “No one here is a necessity. I have my hand, my imagination, I have my porn, and now I have sex toys. So I’m good.”
I would like every other male to feel the same way. For it might very well lessen how often males treat sex partners as if they are throw-away strokers or throw-away dildos. Instead, they can hook-up with more peace of mind about their bodies and less selfishness when in the company of others. For the selfishness many show now I’m sure is born out of projecting their own masturbatory unfulfillment. Since great sex always starts with the individual’s sense of self.
So for anyone who feels any degree unfulfilled by masturbation, I hope this advice helps to undo that.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
Thotyssey 