By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
It has long been the case that when any kind of STI is spread that the blame falls on the penetrated party, and not the penetrator. This is true whether we are talking about gay sex or straight sex.
Case in point, actor Michael Douglas once claimed that he got the HPV virus from his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones. And when former porn actor Rod Daily and his girlfriend both caught HIV, the blame was put on the girlfriend. While it is quite possible for that to be true, compare that to how often gay male bottoms are blamed for the transmission of STIs, you cannot deny how the mentality at play is one that says, “the penetrator is the real man, therefore a god, and therefore can do no wrong.” Even though not matter what, it takes 2 to cause an STI to spread. Hence the words “spread” and “transmission.”
Well, I recently witnessed something at a sex party that if I knew more of its aftermath could easily prove how tops are just as much to blame as bottoms
If you follow my blog “L’s X-Ray Vision,” then you know that I attended CumUnion when it returned to Paddles NYC. What I left out of that tale is what I witnessed within the first 5 minutes in a play area.
I saw an older guy, around my age, maybe older. Within those first 5 minutes, I saw him top 2 guys. Never leaving the area to clean off after the first bottom. He just got done with one, and in less than a minute, he was topping another guy.
I saw that, and in my mind was doing Raven-Symone from That’s So Raven…”Ya nasty!”
Because in practicing what I preach, over 95% of my topping sessions at a sex party or backroom are followed by my exiting the crowd and going to the bathroom to wash off. Not rinse off. Wash off. With water… and soap.
I know I have advised this in at least one article here at Thotyssey, as well as my own blog, and maybe even in at least one article at Kiiroo. It is a lesson I was told by my Mom as a teenager when she thought I would be having sex with girls. I just took the lesson and put it towards the gay sex I have. And it has worked quite well for me.
Anyway, making me cringe inside even more is when this older guy saw me in the bathroom. I was at the urinal. It was my first time seeing him in the light. And I must say that I was quite impressed by his body. In fact, if more guys his age had that body, I would probably date and hook-up with more guys my own age. Also, if I was shallow enough, as he started complimenting my face and body (especially my ass), I would have let that visual overpower the visual I saw of him earlier.
He soon asked if I planned on bottoming. I said I did. What I didn’t say was that based on what I saw of his sex party post-coital hygiene earlier that I would not be bottoming for him.
Because let’s do the math here.
Let’s say that he starts out STI-free. He then tops 6 bottoms. All of the bottoms are STI-free, except for Bottom #2. So if there is any STI-causing germ on him from Bottom #2, and he never washes himself off after any of those bottoms, then there’s a risk of him passing that STI on to Bottoms #3, #4, #5, and #6.
I did not want to be in that number. Especially after being eyewitness to behavior that makes me able to avoid it.
This is not to say that an STI can’t occur. Of course, there is always a risk of an STI, especially with unprotected sex. However, there are behaviors within unprotected sex that are of such higher risk for an STI that they are more alarming than unprotected sex itself.
To continue, I am not perfect. So I have not stuck 100% to my rule of washing after every topping session, especially a condomless one. There has been that rare instance in which I get so caught up in the moment that I have topped a second guy before excusing myself to wash off. For those rare missteps, that is not to say that I have not gotten an STI by way of my cock. It just means that it is quite rarer.
Another admission is that I have not been STI-free. I have had run-ins with STIs. Luckily, not many, but enough. However, I know the majority, maybe even all, were either spotted by way of an anal swab during an STI check-up or the need for the check-up being because of an anal issue. Meaning that I contracted the STI from…my top.
This now leads us to have to wonder why this is happening. Actually, it is not that difficult at all. For I have said numerous times that males (and gay males especially) value quantity over quality. And in order to get that quantity, in their minds, taking a break to wash off might make them miss someone.
It is so easy for me to get in these guys’ minds because I have thought the same way. However, I had to let the adult take over. By realizing that if a piece of ass is meant for me to have; if it is worth me having, taking a break to take care of my health by washing off after a fuck is not going to get in the way of that. And the older I see a guy is who has not come to this realization, the more disappointed I am by the direction we are headed. For it means that there are not enough older males setting a good example.
Well, at age 50 going on 51 in 2022, I am trying to be that example. By passing along these observations and what they mean. For as Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.”
This is proof that those wise words also work with great sex.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
Thotyssey 