By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
This year, I celebrated my 20th anniversary of both my coming out to myself and losing my virginity.
My coming out to myself is unique because it being when I was about to turn 31 makes it a bit later than most. Even more so because I was a total virgin. That leads to the uniqueness of me losing my virginity. For not only did I lose virginity just hours after realizing my being a predominantly gay bisexual. I lost my virginity in a 5-man orgy.
It is a tale I have told a number of times at events. Titling it “Night of 1,000 Popped Cherries” because in addition to losing my virginity, that night was full of a lot of firsts for me. A snippet of which have been read at an erotic open mic I used to attend called “Titillating Tongues,” as well as a “Reading For Filth” event by Daniel Nardicio held at Club Cumming a few years ago.
Back when I was contemplating getting into porn, I was briefly dating a guy who claimed to be a counselor, and later discovered him to be religious. When I told of how I lost my virginity, he insinuated that my losing it in a 5-man orgy was the reason why I didn’t bat an eye at the thought of group sex. Insinuating that experience gave me an adversity to intimacy.
If you have followed my writing for any length of time, then you know that he couldn’t be more wrong. For I always talk about intimacy with your sex partner, be it alone, at a sex party, or even in front of camera. The latter is the purpose of my poem “Prioritize.” Even in my last article, I reiterated how at a sex party/backroom that your partner(s) should be your focus, and not voyeurs.
What annoyed me most about his insinuation is that he admitted to an adventurous past himself. So in his attempt to denounce that because of religion, he was trying to totally dismiss the nature and reality of sexual urges. As well as the sane extremes it is perfectly okay to go to among consenting adults.
And before anyone goes there thinking I am anti-God, know that all I say there is said from a God-believing person.
Anyway, I immediately corrected him as to how the way I lost my virginity had nothing to do with my sexually adventurous streak. I told him that sexuality has always been an interest of mine. He never thought that it could possibly be that I was born with a curiosity about sex and sexuality that makes me comfortable with sexual expression with more than one person present. Or how as I got in my teen years, my curiosity and urges were confirmed by discovering books on sexuality left by my grandmother. Thereby showing me that sexual curiosity and seeking knowledge on it is in my genes.
Has that led to some mistakes in judgement? Yes. But most paths do. No matter how successful the endgame.
To further correct his assumptions, even though his approval was not desired or required, I informed him that while I was in a 5-man orgy, I only had sex with 1 person. Hence why regarding that part of the night, I was 100% satisfied.
This is not to say that this guy was not on to something. For many first sexual experiences that I have heard of from gay males are at their core acts of incest, molestation, and/or pedophilia. And when these guys retell the story, they don’t seem to realize that those negatives were part of their first experience. Which would explain why there seems to be such a complacency and silence when it comes to the topics of rape culture in the gay community and gay porn that validates pedophilia. It is like these guys refuse to see a negative in their first sexual experience. Well, it is not as severe, but I see mine.
I always lead to the tale of how I lost my virginity in a 5-man orgy as a means to get one’s attention. However, this guy jumped the gun with his “counseling” before I could get to the true negatives of the night.
Such as how I have no problem immediately following that intro up with the fact of how the couple and their friend who invite me were doing cocaine. And I didn’t lose my virginity to the member of the couple I was supposed to lose it to because of that. I instead lost it to his boyfriend…just before the cocaine kicked in to give all of them coke dick. So if that night contributed anything to my sexuality, it contributed as to why I am so adamant about substance-free sex.
So yes, there were a few negatives to that night. However, they did not mold my sexual journey for the worst like this guy tried to assume.
And with all that said, there is no doubt that this guy’s counseling experience put him in contact with people who have had negative first sexual encounters that molded their journey thereafter. But it is unprofessional and actually dangerous of him to paint such a broad stroke about the long-term effects of every gay male’s first sexual encounter. Especially without knowing the depth of one’s sexual credo.
It being so dangerous is why thinking back on this always disturbed me. It makes me wonder how many people are holding themselves back from experiencing their full sexual journey. How that repression is born out of someone (like that guy) making patronizing assumptions about one’s sexual behavior based solely on one trivial aspect of their first encounter. Also, while I confided in this guy about how I lost my virginity because I was dating him, it could be myriad of people and trust levels for everyone else. Possibly resulting in a person shutting themselves down to avoid unjustified scrutiny. Leading to serious trust issues down the line.
So if that guy was a counselor,…was he a good counselor? My takeaway points are that
1) I am taking the good with the bad. I have never fooled myself or anyone else about the fucked-up parts of the situation, and; 2) how you lost your virginity does not have to mold your sexual journey unless you let it. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
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