By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
One ongoing complaint (or joke, depending how you look at it) here in NYC is how there are so many bottoms. If you look on some hook-up websites where it’s easy to check out profiles from other parts of the not just the country, but the globe, you will probably find as I have that many of those profiles are those of bottoms as well. Making me conclude that the issue of there being so many more bottoms compared to the number of tops is not just one common to New York City, but to many cities across the globe.
But why might this be the case?
With all the bottom-shaming that goes on in the gay male community, primarily through porn and bad jokes in gay nightlife events, I recently wrote an erotic poem to combat that. It is entitled “My Submission Has The Floor”.
While as I stated in my “Audio Fuck Profile” that I am versatile in action, but actually prefer bottoming, the purpose of “My Submission Has The Floor” was to go a step further in celebrating that bottoming. Having no shame in the joy I feel from being submissive when I bottom and explain what in my life makes me seek being dominated.
Well, the first stanza of the poem explains that quite well. To reiterate, it reads:
To keep my life in peace
To keep my life sane
I am the aggressor and dominator
Over my life, destiny, and domain
But in this world of chaos
I’m in that mode around the clock
So many get concerned
Am I ever free to stop?
After writing that poem, I reflected on it to do as I try to with all my poetry. Asking myself if it is possible for many readers to even subconsciously relate to what I am saying. That’s when I realized that the answer is a loud and echoing YESSSSSS.
Many males can relate to this. And not just gay males, but straight males as well. In fact, in straight males, this might explain why pegging (anally penetrating a heterosexual male) is becoming of growing interest to straight men.
For we as males regardless of age, color, ethnic background, religion, and sexual orientation have it constantly drilled in our heads to be the aggressor. To be the dominator. What has started happening is that many males are coming to realize that those displays of aggression and domination to “prove one’s manhood” need a break from time to time.
Now, considering how little individual thinking happens among us males, whether or not those displays of aggression and domination are honest to their character is another topic. So let us focus here on what has been indoctrinated in us males as to how we are to see ourselves, as opposed to what we might actually be. For it is that reason as to why many of us use being a submissive bottom as our break.
That preceding statement was not to throw shade at my fellow males. It was to state a matter of fact. One in which I will explain by detailing what provokes my own aggression and domination.
My aggression and domination shows itself in my aura. It works usually without me having to say a word, but the energy gives off a demand of how I want to be treated in my relationships. Be they platonic, romantic, or business, that energy is not considered troublesome unless the other person(s) is up to no good. And it is not considered intimidating unless a person doesn’t make the same demand for themself. Which when you think about it is most people. Hence what brings forth much of the drama you hear of in so many people’s various kinds of relationships.
Now, to continue with the main point, while I said that there are many males who admit to needing that break from aggression and domination, there are some who will not admit to it. For some of these males, they are aggressors all the time, and refuse to give up that power, even for a moment. For other such males, they probably live work lives in which they are very submissive to those over them in the workplace totem pole. Therefore, sex as an aggressive and dominating top becomes their outlet to have a dominating moment.
In either case, a number of these males go overboard. That’s why I keep total tops at a distance. Almost interviewing them like they are applying for a top-secret government position before they get to play with me. And if I do play with such a top, trust me, it will be a one-time thing at a sex party/backroom. Unless I get the chance later to pick his brain more to find out if his aggression is from a healthy place or not.
The ratio of bottoms to tops is probably not too much different than the number of straight females to straight males. After all, last I heard, there are a certain number of straight females to every single straight male. So it is quite likely that there is a nearly equal ratio of bottoms to tops. Thereby showing yet another way as to how, as much as militant gays hate to admit it, we are not too different from straight people. In any case, this pulchritude of bottoms is a sign of the societal pressure put on males. One in which the ratio won’t even out until we individually maneuver ourselves to not adhere to those pressures outside of ourselves.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.