WARNING: NSFW! Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
In this new age of porn in which every other gay has either a JustForFans, OnlyFans, ManyVids, 4MyFans and/or some account of the sort, one must make rules of how their sexual encounters are to take place if you plan on recording them. Unfortunately, I am seeing more and more instances proving that many with such accounts don’t value intimacy with their sex partner as a necessary component.
One sign of this problem is the number of tweets I’m seeing by such pornographers asking if any of their followers want to make content. I know that we are in the middle of a pandemic. However, before we proceed any further, please do not try to make excuses for this. Thereby further enable these guys to use their need to make money during this pandemic as a justification for dehumanizing their sex partner. Treating their sex partner as either a stick to put in their ass, or a hole to stick their dick in. For this problem is one that I have been seeing on social media quite a while before the pandemic hit. It just increased to a number too big to ignore just before the quarantines were issued. With many gays with a fansite (that I know personally and not), offering such hook-ups solely for the sake of making content.
If you look underneath the surface of that invitation (proving why I named this column “X-Rayed Sex”), the invitation to hook-up solely to make content means you have made an offering of your body connecting with another human a side note, and not the 1st priority that it should be. All for the sake of porn stardom. This in turn also makes the mindset questionable of the prospective playmate answering, then accepting the invitation.
This is unsettling to me since I as a sex educator, but a human being first, am all about intimacy. Even in a sex party/backroom tryst. I feel a person should be focused on their sex partner(s) and achieving sexual pleasure with that person(s). Not putting first anyone outside of that coupling or grouping, like a voyeur. And not putting first anything else either, like a camera to record for a voyeur.
To show that this sentiment comes from experience, if you look back on my XTube video “Why It’s WE Fucked“, unlike a large number of these fansite videos, not I nor my playmate ever looked at the camera. It’s because I practice what I preach and look for playmates who do the same. For we treated that camera like we treated the people who saw us fuck in the backroom the first time we met. A way that is synonymous with what I stated in “My Public Sex Is Not To Validate My Sexuality“…
My playmate and I got in the mood to fuck, and you just happened to be there. In the case of recording sexual encounters, the “you” in the scenario is replaced by the camera.
Speaking of my playmate from “Why It’s WE Fucked”, thinking back on him is why I have posted in social media posts a good number of times that I would never do a fansite video with someone unless we have had sex before without cameras. For the great intensity, sexual chemistry, and intimacy you see in that video was created and build upon by 3 or 4 previous hook-ups. Because of that, by the time we decided to record an encounter, we already established an intimate connection and were determined to keep it. We had no intention of doing things to cater to people wanting to live vicariously through us. Nor were we seeking viewers’ approval as each and every stare into a camera exposes of the person in a video who does it. Instead, we were about each other.
Due to the adversity plaguing LGBTQ+ people for centuries, our community is one that is full of individuals who need to overcome intimacy issues in order to have an emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy relationship. So this decimation of intimacy by hooking-up solely for fansite content and looking into the camera while doing so is not one bit leading us to not bettering those intimacy issues. It is instead stalemating us. And truth be told, the longer you stalemate, the more time and our existence goes on, the more you are actually taking steps backwards.
I don’t want that for us. Yet it seems that we have come to even more using of porn out of a desperation for validation. Even more self-delusions of worth to ourselves and our community. I went down this road of seeking false validation for my gayness by doing studio-based porn. But I drew the line as I continued with my homemade porn. My gayness is validated just by my being. And I hope the same for you.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.