WARNING: NSFW! Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
Just before New Year’s, I got a DM on Twitter from a loyal follower. It states:
So much has happened since New Year’s that I total forgot to give him a response. So before I go any further, again Tim, my deepest apologies. But thanks for allowing me to post your question publicly.
Tim came to me because as a loyal follower, he knows that I define as a predominately gay bisexual. But how does my predominately gay bisexuality work in regards to those who define as trans and non-binary?
The reason this question has come up is because I’m sure most bisexual’s attraction to a male are thought to be one to a cisgendered male, therefore one with a penis. With my sexual history in which I have had sex with transgender males as well, I’ve proven that I’m not such a bisexual.
Another case in point:
One day I was on Twitter and came across a tweet with a video of a cute twink getting fucked. The part of the video I tuned into was of the twink getting pounded from behind. I was so turned on that I wanted a piece of him. So I stayed and watched to see what I had missed when the video repeated.
As I watched the repeat, I came to realize that the twink was a transgender male. I learned later that he goes by Ari Koyote. So the being fucked from behind that had me living vicariously through the top, initially imagining I was fucking a nice tight asshole, turned out to instead be a beautiful cock-hungry pussy.
Well, even after that discovery, I was still living vicariously through that top wanting a shot.
This imagery I’m sure is making some gay males (be they tops, bottoms, or versatile) cringe. And I’m sure it also does the same for some guys claiming to be bisexual. For as I stated earlier, most bisexual’s attraction to a male are to a male with a penis. A male with a vagina is something some males regardless of their orientation have yet to wrap their head around. Evidently, I have. However, we can’t exactly fault those who are don’t share my point of view… yet.
For these terminologies and gender identities are new to us. And seeing them in action via pornography and such porn being accessible to many is even newer. So it may take awhile to get used to.
I’m sure some believe that based on all I have said about my bisexuality and how it relates to trans people that my sexual openness would be better defined as pansexual, instead of bisexual. Well, there’s a good reason why that is not going to happen.
First of all, the prefix “pan-” means all. So the term pansexual means sexually attracted to all. That is too broad a term for my personal comfort. In fact, I hated it from the second I first heard it, and that was before I so much as considered a sexual experience with a transgendered person. As for why I’m so resistant to the idea of defining as pansexual, I think I must have been foreseeing how much the hate of my love/hate relationship with porn was going to show itself and justify that emotion.
For in recent years, porn has given a green light to sexual behavior that is depraved. Such as incest porn, which sex educator Tina Horn discussed during her “Why Are People Into That?” podcast recorded on the salesfloor of The Pleasure Chest. It had me so repulsed that I made my disgust known to my manager, and accepted their offer to leave the salesfloor. Or greenlighting pedophilia by gay sites showing grey-haired older guys with younger males who (according to the disclaimer) are over the age of 18, but in the end looks like a junior high school-aged kid. So with the prefix “pan-” meaning all, I fear that it is only a matter of time before some pedophiles claiming to be pansexual come along and try to justify their sexual attraction to underaged people by including their pedophilia as part of pansexuality. Or a proclaimed pansexual doing so with their incestuous affair.
I know that I have not addressed my bisexual self being with someone who defines as non-binary. That is because that is something I have yet to experience. So I will have to cross that bridge if/when I come to it.
In any case, the non-binary people I have associated with may define as non-binary, but do display more male or female traits in their looks, but more importantly, through their mindset. With that said, at the moment, I see my bisexuality giving options of who they can be to me by whichever of the binary genders they present more of in their mindset. A romantic option if they more so present as male, and just sexual if they present more as female.
This might not be such an issue if we came to these realizations about sexuality before the powers that be decided to dictate how we should define ourselves by using their broad stroke. Instead of ignoring the voices of individuals.
So is the term “bisexual” outdated? I don’t think so, but I will admit that I could be wrong. For…
…when identities that should have already existed emerge at a much later date, some already existing identities have to change. That change however, takes time.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.