X-Rayed Sex: “My Public Sex Is Not To Validate My Sexuality”

By LeNair Xavier

 

Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.


Yes, I have a past in which I’ve done studio-based porn.

Yes, as Jim Silvestri has written in my bio, I can often be seen at The Cock.

And yes, I get a great deal of my knowledge about gay male sexual behavior by being a participating patron at sex parties/backrooms.

However, with the exception of the first of that list, none of those actions have been meant to validate my sexuality. And even with my time in the porn industry, my using it to validate my sexuality started waning soon after the 2nd of my 8 movies, “69 Fuck Street”.

I came to use doing porn to validate my sexuality because immediately after I doing my 1st porno, I immediately felt a wave of sexual liberation. It was a BIG “FUCK YOU!” to every so-called Christian shaking their “shame-on-you” finger at me for engaging in gay sex. For doing that porn scene was me saying to any and every one gay male, especially males questioning their sexual orientation:

“Gay sex is not a bad thing. A consenting man’s dick in a consenting man’s ass is also a sexual celebration. So if it’s your nature, seek it. Cherish it. Enjoy it.”

My message was (and still is) about lessening people’s need to see your sex. The steps of my plans were: 1) You make your statement; 2) inspire the questioning to be true to themselves; then 3) move on.

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Most of these guys engaging in public sex however are doing so showing more symptoms of the Peter Pan Syndrome gay males are known for. Because the approval they are seeking is that of other gay males. It is much like high schoolers, or college boys pledging a fraternity. That is a sorry sight when some of these gay males engage in this routine for decades. So they are long overdue at being firm enough in their sexual identification to not have to resort to such acts in a desperation for validation.

I know some of you who have seen me out and about are reading this thinking:

“Wait! How dare you of all people make a criticism about public sex! Because didn’t I see you not too long ago with your heels pointed to heaven taking dick in missionary right by the entrance of a bar? Then the next night with that same guy getting your cakes pounded doggy-style in a corner where any passerby to the restroom and/or coat check can see you?”

Well, the answer to those questions is a loud and proud YES. And not only because the guy was hot and gave me some damn good dick.

For one thing I am not is a hypocrite. Therefore, certain stances of mine make it quite clear how my public sex is not motivated by the reasons of those I’m criticizing with this article:

  1. Even though we were in a sexually permissive space, those open areas were not our initial goals spots to fuck at. We were actually aiming to be behind a dark, curtained-off area. We decided against it because there were too many people there who would have no doubt interrupted us, and would have also lessened our comfort due to lack of space there. For sex in spite of comfort is one definite sign of when someone needs their seen public sex to validate their sexuality. They are so desperate to be seen that they turn a blind eye to the need for their comfort, or that of their playmate. Furthering my aforementioned point about porn actors, who definitely have sex in positions and spaces that lack comfort, but do it out of their desperation for validation by having their sex seen.

These people also don’t care about how much where they are inconveniencing others. Such as those who are having sex in the bathroom, but have the audacity to pitch a bitch to someone who needs to use the bathroom for a bathroom’s original intended purpose.

  1. Like I said, we were in a sexually permissive space. While the sex in my erotic poem “Sex In Unison” is about everyone having sex simultaneously to lessen envy and vicarious living, I see sexually permissive spaces as public spaces made for simultaneous sex to lessen that same envy and vicarious living.

With such as the case, one’s exhibitionism makes them seek a more intimate spot first., while adopting an attitude that as I once wrote in a Facebook post, and summed up in this Instagram photo:

This is a mindset some guys who need their public sex seen will find strange. But if you ever see me having sex in such a space, my lack of hypocrisy is proven by how I will pretty much pay you no mind. Swatting you off my body if you interrupt us. For this is my fuck. My focus is on my playmate, not you. Keep yourself as a voyeur, and nothing more. But better yet,…

  1. Stop watching me and go find your own playmate so you won’t be living vicariously through me. Someone needing their sexuality validated through public sex would never say such a thing. Such as those at a bar “giving you shows”. For they need the crowd’s stares as signs of approval. They may even be permissive of interruptions because their need for the crowd’s attention sadly runs just that deep.

So while I obviously enjoy a sexually permissive space, I’ve matured beyond my porn past to where I don’t need to be gawked at while I’m having sex in one.

Taking all this into consideration, how do we stop this need to be seen? First of all, we need to stop lying to ourselves. For as I previously stated with my own past needing to be seen, it is born out of a supposed (or known) lack of acceptance from family members, ethnic, religious, and work cultures, and the individual is chained to a desire put on a show out of a desperation for validation from those parties.

Image result for public gay fucking

The problem is that desperation for validation “works” for porn producers and nightlife promoters wanting go-go boys to “give you shows”. But my concern has always been about the individual needing to be seen. For it means that they have yet to give those people in those positions/cultures in their life a proper “fuck you!” for their narrow-mindedness.

What makes it look even more silly is because if the people they need to give that “fuck you’ to stick to their position on homosexuality, the bigots will never see that acting out. So in the end, it all becomes for nothing. Hence why you see these guys do public sex with those aforementioned signs repeatedly, and often with numerous people in one night. They are still chained to that need to have their gayness approved.

Well, my advice is that at some point we all need to grow up. Grow up and realize that if those people won’t approve of us for our sexuality, that’s fine. As said in “To Wong Foo: Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar”, “Your approval is not desired, nor required”.

But if those people value you enough to share being in a circle with you, then they must accept the fact that this brand of sexual being is who you are. Otherwise, there’s the door.


Image may contain: 3 people, including LeNair Xavier

LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, TumblrTwitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.

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