Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
I came across this picture in a Facebook friend’s post asking this question:
What inspired this article is how between my seeing the original post and my sharing it via Instagram, an overwhelming number of responses to the question were gay males answering “NO!”
My answer was as follows:
Considering my answer, and my explanation for it, both written and unwritten, I felt this was another issue in the gay male community that needed to be examined. Mostly as to why so many gay males gave the answer of an echoing NO.
It has long been a known fact that the gay male community abandons much of what we were taught by our straight monogamous parents. Even though, I’m sure if we didn’t abandon so many of their rules, so many of us would not be both single and lonely. Nor would so many of us get into relationships in which we are settling for less than our worth just so we can say we are in a relationship.
One of those rules straight parents try to impose upon us is the idea of no sex before marriage. Those arguing against that have always wondered what if you get married and then find that you’re not sexually compatible? Virgins have always been able to easily and justifiably argue in response that if both parties are virgins that they would know nothing else but their partner. With that said, if a virgin is sexually satisfied by all they know from being with that one person, then there is no reason to criticize them.
The often unfair criticism of virgins, especially from gay males, comes out of flipping the bird to what is considered to be heteronormative. So not marrying someone unless they try out the sex is one surmised when one or both parties are not virgins, which is usually the case in gay relationships. Since there are many more couples for whom such is the case, one must ask:
If the one who has had better sex finds themselves unsatisfied by their new partner, be they a virgin or not, then what do you do?
Both aforementioned questions have the same, and simple one-word answer… COMMUNICATE.
Tell your partner what you feel he/she is doing that does not sexually satisfy you, but do so in a way that is in addition to honest, is equally respectful of their efforts to sexually please you.
Those who say that they refuse to marry someone without trying out the sex are ones who refuse that communication, which is quite problematic. For lack of communication is a big problem for most relationships, regardless of orientation. Even more so when the topic is sex. And even worse when it’s between 2 males.
For practically the entire existence of the human race, we males have been treated as if we are omniscient when it comes to sex. Well, the number of times I have: gotten a lousy blowjob; topped a guy with a loosey-goosey hole, and; bottomed for a guy whose big dick gave a less than stellar performance, both written about and not, are proof that the human male is not as gifted from birth in his sexual knowledge as we have been led to believe. It is most definitely not encoded in our DNA.
With that said, when you choose to not do the necessary communication with your partner about something he/she is doing that does not sexually satisfy you, you are showing a blatant refusal to communicate. A refusal that (not can, but) will be problematic in the long run. Even if you call yourself a couple for years.
For gay male bottoms and straight females, bringing up a sexual dislike done by a male is often treated by the penetrating male as the bottom or female trying with malicious intent to lessen the penetrating male’s manhood. However, if said with the aforementioned honesty and respect, then the one lessening the penetrating male’s manhood is not the gay male bottom or straight female being honest. It’s the penetrating male himself by not allowing himself to be receptive to the lack of malicious intent.
Be you single, dating, or married, everyone wants to have great sex. And if you’re married, you want to have a great marriage. Well, neither sex or marriage will be great, therefore not satisfying without communication. And for that satisfying sex to happen in a marriage, sex does not have to proceed the marriage.
So despite whatever your gay role models might have told you, some standards that are considered to be heteronormative aren’t so bad to keep in mind as an option. For old-fashioned does not always equal outdated. Therefore, old-fashioned does not always equal bad…. or unsatisfying. In fact, it can mean quite the opposite.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision on Tumblr, and can be followed on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.