X-Rayed Sex: “So You Think You Can Host A Sex Party”

By LeNair Xavier

Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.

In all my years of being out and sexually active (16), I have definitely ventured to a good number of sex parties. Being observant enough at each to have a very good idea of what works, and what does not.

With that said, here’s a list of actions I see a sex party host needs to execute if he/she/they are to host a great and respectable sex party.


Every action at a sex party or in a backroom is based on consent. So let’s address right away the necessity of keeping the party energy up by realizing its importance at not just a sex party, but in life in general.

I told before on “L’s X-Ray Vision” how at one sex party, after bottoming for a playmate, a guy whose advances I refused a number of times during that night tried to top me anyway. Even at a sex party/backroom, that constitutes as rape. A good sex party host is aware of this, and is ready to take the proper action in response to such when a patron
reports it. For the record, I did not report it to the host, but I knew I had every right to.

Whether it’s one’s words, one’s actions, or a combination of both saying “No!”, like in my past incident, if someone is too socially inept to accept that “No” means NO the 1st time, then a good sex party host has to be ready to kick that creature out. Regardless of the refusing party’s reason(s). The refusal could be based on age; sexual racism; and/or a lack of education about HIV/STI transmissions, etc. For every single body at your party, it’s their body, their call. And as a sex party host, you and your patrons must respect that. If you don’t have the stomach for putting party-goers in check when they overstep, then hosting a sex party is not for you.


Using color and age as a marketing ploy to get attendees is not a good idea. And it baffles me that some host actually think it is.

Many porn companies say porn is a fantasy refusing responsibility for how we see each other because of their depictions of sexual roles based on age, color (light and dark), and ethnicity. Sadly, many gays are so duped that they refuse to realize that they follow those ageist and racist narratives, and they bring it to a sex party/backroom.

It’s disappointing to think that they are not aware of how limiting and insulting to patrons, as well as enabling of socially dysfunctional mindsets such marketing ploys are. OR they are aware, but willing to enable it just so they can make money. Even if it comes at the expense of better sexuality, which can be achieved by less sexual racism, less sexualizing of daddy issues, and less borderline pedophilia.

So if you think you have what it takes to be a sex party host, please do better.


The natural act of sex is already frowned upon in American society, even though it’s how the human race continues on. Gay sex is even more so frowned upon. So as a sex party host, part of your duties in setting the mood is by way of proper lighting.

So no pitch black rooms. For as I stated in a past post for Thotyssey, DARKNESS = SHAME.

I’m not saying to have the lights on so bright that they are blinding, but at least have them up to a level where the partygoers can see each other. Seeing each other’s faces, bodies, dicks, asses, and sweat. For when it comes to sex, no qualms about seeing the sex you’re having is taking pride in the sex that you’re having. A sentiment you need to inspire in your guests.

Now, you might not have signed on to undo the shame many have been taught about sex. However, as a sex party host, your event will most likely be a means to lessen the shame over gay sex for one or more of your guests.


It is supposed to be a sex party. So you expect fucking to take place. Repeated fucking, in fact. And to keep that fucking going, you need to keep your guests energized, and even more so hydrated.

Plus, most likely, your patrons paid at least $20 to get in. If you have enough attendees, then you’re already making more than a pretty penny. So charging extra for those sugary snacks and hydration is just being greedy. Even more proving of this point is the fact that most sex parties have attendees strip to at least their underwear. So where is a patron supposed to put this money for any kind of beverage?… In his sock where it can fall out and easily get lost? Party-goers already have to worry about keeping their clothes check
ticket. A good sex party host is not going to unnecessarily compound a patron’s worries. For such worries in the subconscious mind hinder sex play.


Let’s be real. Sex parties are primarily events where those partaking of sex are strangers to one another. Therefore, no one is really aware of the other’s sexual history, or hygiene. Nor can one be sure how true the alleged “truth” conveyed actually is. So a sex party host needs to be ready to (on their end) lessen as much spreading of HIV/STIs as possible. Even if it’s a bareback sex party. This can easily be accomplished by a sex party host not being stingy with soap or mouthwash.

I have long said that it is a ritual of mine to do a wash after every suck and fuck at a sex party. Sometimes even if I was just receiving a blowjob. This ritual made me STI-free for a good 3 or 4 years before I caught anything again. And when I did catch something, one of the 2 infected areas were not so easy to clean after the fact – the anus. So I own that misstep. However, the other infect area was my mouth. That could have been prevented if the host provided mouthwash, which he did not. Otherwise, I would have used it as part of my after-sex ritual without hesitation.

With that said, for me and others to clean accessible areas of the body properly, there must be soap on hand. AND NOT WATERED DOWN SOAP. So if you water down the soap to cut cost, then you’re doing your patrons a disservice by contributing to the STI rates that make some interested in attending a sex party decide to stay away. Ruining the reputation of the sex party industry, and that of your own party.

NOTE: The requirement for both soap and mouthwash is more so for a sex party. For bar backroom however, soap is the must, mouthwash is a courtesy. For every establishment, even non-sexual ones should provide soap. But any place set up with sex in mind should provide both soap and mouthwash.


If you’re in an intimate space, like a hotel room or your bedroom, I personally recommend the Symphony of Sex. In a more spacious venue however, then you will want good music. Music that sets the mood. Music that sets the mood for passionate fucking. At this point of the sex party game, constant electronic dance music (EDM) is soooo overdone.

There are enough varieties of music, especially meant to set the mood for sex, that
it’s easy to make a great eclectic music mix. You can put everything from New Age, to R & B, to Rock, to Classical and beyond.


This is especially necessary if you are trying to host a sex party in a big city full of diversity in color/ethnicities like New York City. Otherwise, you are making a party with the end result of it catering to “your own” color/ethnicity or “preference”, and you will be slighting many possible patrons. Possible diverse patrons who can spread a better word about your party. Because after all, variety is the spice of life. And a short
range of color at a big city party is a boring party.

Not diversifying your associations often leads to a problem I’ve written about at a number of sex parties where I’ve either witnessed or firsthand experienced racist sexual expectations and limitations. And we are coming to a point in history where such experiences should no longer be tolerated. So if you are to be a sex party host worth any staying power, then you need to incite diversity where racist sexual roles and overall dismissals are less prevalent.

If you are still considering hosting a sex party, I seriously hope you will take these points I’ve listed thus far to heart. For as I stated earlier, I’ve definitely have accumulated a good idea of what works and what does not. Which leads me to close with my last point…


Due to my displays over the years of knowing what works and what doesn’t for a good sex party, many have wondered why I have yet to host a sex party myself. It’s because I know it’s a lot of work. Work that my schedule does not allow me to keep up with at the moment. So I’m passing on this advice to be used by those who do have such time. For whatever task you take on in life, I feel that if you’re going to do it, then do it right. And if I have the knowledge to assist in making that happen, then I am more than happy to share it. Hence this post.

LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision on Tumblr, and can be followed on FacebookTwitter and Instagram.

X-Rayed Sex Archives

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