By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
The gay community has long strived for not just acceptance, but acknowledgment that being gay is real and natural. That it’s not just a phase, or an ungodly desire of the flesh that requires religious and/or psychiatric help to be cured. With such being the case, why do so many in the gay community try to inflict that same self-doubt upon bisexual men and women? You would think gays would know better than to impose such dismissal of one’s sexual identity. Yet they do it anyway. Doing it often. And make any asinine excuse to try justifying their attempt at dismissing it.
My claims of this asinine reaching come from firsthand experience. For my announcing myself as being a predominately gay bisexual, and being a virgin about having vaginal sex when I announced it was met with idiotic questions and commentary like:
- Being asked, “What exactly is a ‘predominately gay bisexual’?”
I believe I came up with a brief term for my sexuality that is quite self-explanatory. And the only ones who can’t see that explanation are those who choose to believe that bisexuals can’t have monogamous relationships, or a primary gender attraction. Well, news flash! The word “bisexual” has the prefix “bi-” which means 2, for a reason. It means you have a sexual attraction to both genders. With sexual attraction, one does not necessarily have to have sex with both genders. They just knowingly acknowledge to themselves and/or publicly that they have a sexual attraction to both genders. Plus, with bisexuality, one sexual attraction to a certain gender is often more dominant. And the more dominate one is the one with whom they have a romantic relationship with. In my case, my gayness is more dominant, and the term “predominately gay bisexual” clearly explains that.
- Being told, “You can’t say you’re bisexual until you have sex with a woman”
Someone commented that statement on my blog, because when I came out as bisexual, I at the time also publicly acknowledged that I was still a virgin to vaginal sex. So I clapped back by telling that person that I knew I had a sexual attraction to woman without putting my dick in a vagina the same way they knew they were gay without taking a dick up their ass.
It’s a shame how such a fool was only quieted by me later being invited to a bi-sex party and popping my vaginal sex cherry there, and revealing the details in a blog post. It should not have taken that.
Common sense remembering the realizing of their own homosexuality should have made those people’s questions and comments stop mid-trip in their travel from their brain to their fingers so they wouldn’t type it on a computer screen. Yet, it did not. So here we are.
If my words seem angry about this, you are not mistaken. I’ve seen such attitudes towards bisexuality too many times. In fact, not just before porn and before blogging. But early on after my coming out to myself.
The first guy I dated after coming out, a guy 10 years older than me, scoffed at my revelation of my newly realized sexual orientation. For after I told him that I define as bi, but a lot more gay than straight, he replied with a dismissive tone recalling a few times he had found himself some degree sexually attracted to a woman by saying, “Hell! In that case, I’m bisexual, too. Eh, you’re gay!”
My orientation being newly owned and him being aware of that were likely reasons for his dismissive tone. Such dismissal of my self-identification is why it actually felt freeing when that 3-week long courtship ended. It’s also why this person whose 5’2” (or 5’3”) height seemed to not be noticeable to my 5’6” when we dated. However, when I walked pass him on a Sea Tea cruise about 10 years later…our mere 3 or 4” height difference made him look like he was the height of a toddler to me. My self-awareness had grown to be so unshakable in those 10 years that I felt like a giant. Towering over him because of his bi-phobia made his body look to me like his mind…small.
Another instance was one where I never even got to go out on a date with the guy after our first meeting. Because during our first and only phone conversation since meeting, when I came out to him saying I’m a predominately gay bisexual, he responded with, “I think bisexuals are just gays trying to hold on to the straight world.”
Well, after I explained how my personal bisexuality works with me being attracted to guys romantically and sexually, and to females just sexually, I wrapped up the phone conversation, and never spoke to him again.
I see now that guys like these have these issues with bisexuality because they are jaded. Jaded to the point that in their need to represent their gayness that they become militant, which is why I refer to them as “militant gays”.
Militant gays have an ongoing war in their heads of “Gays vs. Straights”. And in any war (be it real or just in your mind), you need soldiers. For these militant gays, automatically, anyone who does not define as straight is drafted to their side. That includes bisexuals, like myself, as well as pansexuals. The problem for them is that they fear bisexuals and
pansexuals will be deserters of that war in their heads. So dismissing bisexuality and pansexuality is basically a recruiting tactic saying, “Pick a side! Pick a side!”
Well excuse me, but I don’t have to. I already stated how my bisexuality works, and I’m at peace with that. Just as you should be at peace with your gayness. Gayness that might not be as 100% gay as you portray as I pointed out via the comment made by the first guy I ever dated.
Besides, I long ago came to the conclusion that the percentages we’ve been told of straights and gays is totally wrong.
We’ve been told that gays are only 10% of the human population. That number (and lower) have been told to every marginalized group throughout history by supposed majority groups as a means to make the marginalized group feel they have no power in fighting back against being oppressed. It’s still a number thrown at various people of color in the American population, and it’s also been thrown at gays. The sad part is many gays believe it. Hence their dismissal of bisexuality.
So what is the true percentage? Who knows the real number? So I’m going by what I’ve experienced from people without provocation. And what I’ve discovered is that my small frame over the years seems to catch the attention of many supposed “straight” guys. Enough times that I’ve concluded that the percentage of people who are totally straight and totally gay is actually equal – 25% each. It’s bisexuality that is the majority at 50%.
You’re probably wondering why if bisexuality is the norm, then why is being straight still seen as such? It’s because in addition to those who are truly 100% straight, I feel the majority of bisexuals are the complete opposite of me by being predominately straight bisexuals. Therefore, living their romantic and sexual life as heterosexuals.
With that said, you’re next probably wondering how does their gay side manifest itself if they’re living a straight monogamous life? After all, their gayness doesn’t disappear. It is and always will be very much alive in them.
Well, the few times I’m sexually attracted to a female manifest itself by having me become flirtatious with that female. If the attraction is strong enough. I might even masturbate about her. Bisexuals in straight monogamous relationships probably do the same with those they lust for of the opposite gender of their significant other. For I have found myself spoken to in flirtatious tones and eye contact by many males wearing wedding rings, or accompanying their female partner. Some of those instances happening while I’m assisting a couple at the sex shop I work at.
This is not me saying that being LGBT has been accepted by each and every straight-defining person on the planet. But it’s a lot better than those gays at war with the straight community will have you to believe.
I don’t know what I can say or what sentiment I can put out in the universe to make this “Gays vs. Bisexuals” war be over. Especially since a good deal of this article is me reiterating points I made on “L’s X-Ray Vision” 8 years ago, which proves how this is still a problem for too long.
For gays didn’t like “straight” people back in the day or now saying that their sexual attraction to the same gender is a sickness, or “is just a phase”. So it baffles me to watch them do it to someone else. At least my sexual attraction is not towards children, adults that look like children, or animals. So there is nothing to raise an eyebrow about. My targets of both genders, be it out of love, lust, or a combination of both are always and
forever directed at consenting, obvious human adults.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision on Tumblr, and can be followed on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
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