X Rayed Sex: “Coming Out At 30… What Did I Miss?”

By LeNair Xavier

Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.

 Every gay and bisexual man or woman must come out in their own time.
Unfortunately, there are a great many things in the LGBT community incited by
its media to make one who comes out after age 25 feel that they have missed
something. That they are late to the party.

 I am one of those LGBT people targeted to make feel that way. 

For on February 9, 2002, I came out to myself at the age of 30. Then
lost my virginity just a few hours later in the wee hours of February 10th,
exactly 7 weeks before my 31st birthday. 

As my celebrating my Sweet 16 of being an out and proud predominately
gay bisexual approaches, I’ve decided to look back and ask myself a question I
ask myself often… 

Is the “mean girl” mentality we see in most of gay media
right? Did I miss something by coming out late? Did my coming out as I neared
31 years of age make me late to that “party”? Well, let’s look at the
pros and cons of my late coming out, and who is responsible for those pros and cons
to get a definite answer. 

One thing my late coming out made me become is thirsty for chemical-free
sex. It’s the reason why I do not want poppers in my sex play. It’s why I might
tolerate it in a hook-up, but never for a long-term relationship. For my coming
out late, and already being drug-free made me dodge the coercion by the
substance-abusing gays that said even poppers were okay. 

If you have read any of my writings over the years, then you know I am a
strong advisor of chemical-free sex. For sex is a phenomenal high all its
. I figured this might be the case by the pleasure I experienced from my
many years of masturbation before losing my virginity, which then became
confirmed (and then some) after losing that virginity. None of this would have
been discovered had it not been for my late coming out. A late coming out that
I’m actually thankful for. Because while I did have a friend with whom I went
with to the gay scene staple routine of clubbing, being already over 30, and
maintaining some (but not total) maturity in the process, my own identity was already on the way
to being cemented, even if I didn’t know it yet. So I wasn’t
100% willing to please my new friends at the expense of some of my core values. 

Many of those values are ones I learned before my coming out and
becoming sexually active. With my identity somewhat cemented as I previously
mentioned, I saw the big picture beyond what my new gay friends were telling
me. For while they were trying to tell me to get rid of all of those values and
replace them with the ones that the gay scene adores, I realized some of those
old values are necessary to be truly happy, and not wear the gay scene’s mask
that fakes happiness. 

Unfortunately, this can’t be said of many 20-somethings coming out. And
not just today’s 20-somethings. For many of them have, shall we say, a
“gay mama” – a gay person, a former20-something already out for years
who leads them to a path of substance abuse. Teaching them that drugs are an OK
normalcy in LGBT culture. Hence why substance abuse is such a problem in our
community. These 20-somethings are being molded during years that are still
very formative because those years come with an eagerness to please anyone seen
as a superior. Such as a gay mama, a party promoter, or a porn producer, since
all of these lead outlets that are often major factors in the coming out
process. And some remain into them in their older years. For this reason, I
can’t be thankful enough for how I handled my age in a way that made the misinformation
in those teachings not stick. 

Before someone tries a feeble attempt at calling me out, I have told in
many tales of my drug and alcohol experiences. They were experiments.
Experiments done because I’m a curious person who when it comes to
drugs/alcohol during sex, I’m always asking:

  • Why do this?
  • What’s the draw?
  • Where is the great sex I’m looking for, if the
    end result is either me with a dick too limp to be a top, and/or an asshole too
    loose to make me a bottom who can cause his top to have a mind-blowing orgasm?

 Now, all of my comparing being a gay 20-something with my gay experience
after coming out at age 30 are not totally from me being on the outside looking
in. Using the ageism in the gay community to my advantage, and not necessarily
looking my age has made me able to experience some of the supposed joys a gay
20-something male can experience. For it was why I was able to be a 30+ year
old erotic model, go-go boy, and gay porn actor. And with the latter never
playing the “daddy” role, even though I was definitely the age to be
cast as such.

 These accomplishments are difficult enough to attain by being 30+ years
old whether you look good for your age or not. But it’s an even greater
accomplishment when you do so as a Black male. For the too-often-catered-to
racism from whites in the gay male community shows its envy of the belief that
“black don’t crack”. Never mind the fact that I’ve seen some black
that has snapped, crackled, and popped more than a bowl of Rice Krispies.

 This problem wages on because these older producers and promoters should
be the ones telling those of us who are over 25 to revel in getting older.
Inspiring us to maintain our bodies. Doing that maintenance not just for
our own personal health, which is most important. But also so that we can stop
living vicariously through these early 20-somethings. This should be done by
allowing our inclusion as displays of sex appeal. Instead, no matter how well
you have maintained yourself, the moment you reveal your age, you either become
dismissed, or you become an object for to be fetishized by those 20-soemthing
gays sexualizing their unresolved daddy issues. 

Well, if such journeys of being able to show off my well-maintained body
respectfully is coming to a close, then it was a good ride while
it lasted. As it gave me the information I needed to not just say I’m an
out and proud member of the LGBT community, but actually live and advise
expressing a motive that proves it. For the age-old saying is true, ACTION

With all that said, in the end, I don’t feel I missed much of anything.
I’ve experienced quite a lot in my 16 years out and sexually active at age 46.
Making less mistakes and staying in less mistakes because I was in a more
mature head space when I started. So I am looking forward to more adventures to
learn from. It’s the heads of gay media, party promoters, and modeling scouts
who have missed out. And unfortunately, it’s the young people who follow their
lead into vanity, youth-obsession, and alcohol/substance abuse who are also

 So part of me celebrating the Sweet 16 of my coming out and losing my
virginity is to pass on this sexual insight. One that embraces your youth and
heightens in pride when your days as a youth have passed, and years of wisdom
are accumulating.

LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision, and can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.

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