By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette. [Cover image: Henry Scott Tuke “The Critics” 1927 Courtesy of Leamington Spa Art Gallery & Museum (Warwick District Council) [Cover photo: gaytravel4u.com]
As males, we are quick to claim what our sexual likes and dislikes are. Never questioning them. For we males are culturally never led to question what we claim to like or dislike. We are never taught to question if our proclaimed likes are truly our own. OR if they were taught to us by various mediums like religion, magazines, movies, television, and porn.
Some might call this a privilege of being a male. But is it really?
For females are constantly taught to question their sexual likes. Females are also taught to question their duties to their partner. The aforementioned mediums of religion, magazines, television, and porn actually often tell females to ignore their own likes and duties to themselves in order to please their male partner.
Unfortunately, this questioning does happen in the gay community as well…to bottoms. Being seen as a female by the toxic masculinity of many cultures, if their likes do not please the penetrating male, a bottom is led to question their desires. Hence why bottoms are the ones that products like poppers, throat-numbing spray, and anal-numbing lube are marketed to. They are intended to be used by straight females and gay male bottoms to please a male partner. Thereby allowing that male partner to become lazy. And thereby making that perceived privilege of being a male not so much a privilege after all.
Meanwhile, nothing is as heavily marketed to the penetrating male. Not even male enhancement pills. We know they are out there, but they are not so shoved in our face.
For male privilege allows males to think they are sexual perfection. Sexually omniscient, even. Especially a penetrating male.
Case in point, anyone who follows me on social media on platforms like X (formerly Twitter) know that I am such an ass-man that even when I want to bottom, the body trait that is prioritized as a “must” is the butt. Not his penis. I took the time to question if this was a like natural for me or nurtured by media outlets. Why?
Because if you stop and notice, the male butt is all we are ever shown in magazines, television, and softcore porn. And cisgendered males run these outlets. And cisgendered males develop an undiscussed brotherhood over not publicly calling attention to one another’s penis. As it is thought to call attention to their own. An action cis male self-consciousness cannot handle.
This does not mean that I have no love for a penis. I once made a meme quoting myself stating how I find the male penis to be God’s greatest work on the human body. A penis is just not a must in completing my appreciation of the male form.
Taking the time to stop and look inward is why I can state my likes with so much confidence. However, I believe many males who claim to have that same confidence have not done that look within. The misinformed privilege of being male has made us think that we should never stop and question ourselves when it comes to sex.
For gay and bisexual males, you will definitely witness a doubling down on the idea of not questioning oneself. After all, in order to come out, many of us had to overcome the questioning of our sexual orientation because of rules imposed upon us based on our religious and/or ethnic cultures. So when it is proposed that we do question ourselves, for many, it can trigger a flashback to whatever trauma we went through during our days of questioning our sexual orientation.
I know this because bad memories from my religious upbringing stifling my coming out are triggered any and every time I take a time-out to question a like of mine. In the end however, it has always resulted in being for the best.
With all that said, I think all of us males need to take some time and question our likes. Especially in the gay community. Because we need to ask this question… Why, besides the same sex, do so many of us seem to like the same things? Aren’t we supposed to be individuals? Then why do so many seem to like the same music artists? The same type of music? The same short spectrum of skin color that we’re misled to call “preference”? Why do so many of us seek the same type of behavior from a guy depending on their skin color?
All of these are things (and more) that have been drilled into our heads by gay film, media, nightlife, porn, and television. With our male privilege making us double down so hard that when someone displays (even more so when they suggest) a broadening of those claimed preferences, it can cause verbal wars online and near physical fights in-person. I should know because it is one of the reasons why I stopped moderating discussions about porn’s influence on our sex lives.
In those discussions, I got tired of suggesting to these males that they reconsider how they might be imitating the porn they watch and not seeing its negative impact on their lives. And how that suggestion made males in their 50s, 60s, and 70s act like 5-year-olds when parents threaten to take their toys away for a misdeed. Since I held not a single key to anyone’s porn stash, such moments contribute to the question as to whether or not male privilege is actually a privilege. For such behavior showed me that it was actually a hindrance to growth.
With all that said, I strongly urge all of us males to start keeping an open mind. Take some alone time to learn yourself. Also, listen to your partner(s). Because I do love being a male. But the privilege we should focus on is more so being alive as a human being. For putting that privilege first and foremost will lessen the leaning many do on power constructs based on gender, color, or sexual position, etc.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
Thotyssey 