By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette. [Cover image: Henry Scott Tuke “The Critics” 1927 Courtesy of Leamington Spa Art Gallery & Museum (Warwick District Council)
Many of us in the LGBTQ+ community still struggle with being sexually liberated. Even at the smallest level. It is one of the main reasons alcohol, drug, and/or substance abuse remain playing a part in many LGBTQ+ people’s sex play. They use it to lessen their inhibitions. With that being the case, how sexually liberated are you, really?
So I ask you this…
What good is it when being under the influence, the sensations you feel are not authentic? OR because of being under the influence, you can’t really remember the sensations at all. Thereby making your claims of “having a good time” being based on a hazy recollection of inebriation-induced blurbs.
We as LGBTQ+ people need to do better than that for ourselves. For the newly out in our community cannot be led well by example if we don’t do better. And what better time to start than the new year approaching.
Let it be made clear that when I say “sexually liberated” that I do not mean all out exhibitionism. What I mean by “sexual liberation” is having a comfort in talking about sex with your partner and having no guilt when considering or doing any sex act from the most vanilla to the most kinky. As long as it is with 1 (or more) consenting adults and is not illegal or amoral.
Speaking of amoral, start your road to more sexual liberation consciously knowing (therefore through words and action) that the true amoral or depraved act is not LGBTQ+ sex in general. It is actually acts such as incest and pedophilia. Acts many straight people are guilty of doing as well. Unfortunately, these are also 2 themes that a lot of gay porn tends to play with, which is counterproductive to us having a right to claim we are not depraved creatures.
This stigma of LGBTQ+ sex being amoral or depraved still follows many around. Especially those who come from a religious background (like myself). For many still hear those misguided chastising voices in our heads during sexual encounters. Some in subconscious whispers. Some screaming loudly. In the end, so they can perform sexually, many turn to alcohol, drugs, and/or substances to either silence the voices, or hear the voices, but make their bodies not react to them.
My mission as a sex blogger since my days in studio-based porn was to undo that supposed “need” to be under the influence during sex. However, in order to undo that “need”, we must first remove the cause, shame.
To remove that shame, one might require a time-out from socializing. Definitely sexually, but possibly non-sexually as well. For you need time to look within. During that look within, you will need to look back on encounters and acknowledge the reactions you had during sex that made you feel uncomfortable. Acknowledge what memories of being shamed directly or indirectly from family members, friends, and associates triggered your desire to take in alcohol, drugs, or even substances (like poppers) before you even partake of sexual activity. Once you acknowledge those triggers, you will definitely see yourself become more sexually liberated. Not right away, but definitely over time.
Case in point, I grew up with a barrage of anti-gay rhetoric said in my home. This contributed to my late coming out and losing my virginity at age 30. It is also why I did not immediately come out being as versatile as I am now. I had to gradually get to where I stopped hearing those anti-gay voices of family members, teachers, past employers, and associates in my head. So what you see of me now not only did not happen overnight. But is still a work in progress.
Another example is from my studio-based porn career that postponed my becoming versatile as I am now.
My 3rd porn movie was titled “Love of the Dick IV”. I had a scene with a guy who went by the name “Double R”. This guy was a jerk. A gay-for-pay jerk at that. Enough that he wound up being one of those that inspired my blog article “Denied Self Becomes Violent Self”. An article addressing how it seemed that gay-for-pay porn actors were more prone to violence than those out and proud. Such as how en route to the location to shoot, Double R was on his cell phone arguing with a female he was fooling around with. Putting it on speakerphone for our “entertainment”. I told you he was a douche. Anyway, having to bottom for such a creep traumatized me. To the point that when I was starting to become more versatile by topping more, I could not maintain an erection. Regardless of whether the bottom was pleasantly tight or loosey-goosey. Because for some reason, every time I topped someone, I would see a memory flash of Double R topping me and it would make me immediately lose my erection.
A friend once told me that I should talk to someone about that. He meant like a therapist. But I responded telling him that I am…I was talking to him. And before talking to him, I told that story to other friends, and online in social media posts and other blog articles. Those moments of telling the story were and still are my therapy. For the more I talked about it, the better I became at topping. To the point that I no longer have those flashbacks.
Many who have such mental hindrances during sex use alcohol, drugs, and substances to perform. I did not do any such thing because I knew that it would solve nothing. Taking the time to look inward was going to solve this. And it did. Again, not immediately, but in due time.
So for those who lean on substances as a crutch, I hope this motivates you to take that time to look inward and do the same. I want us, the LGBTQ+ community, to be one where if certain hate groups (political or otherwise) try to talk smack about us, they won’t have the easy points of reference that they do now to try justifying their position.
Please, let’s make this coming year be the year that starts to happen.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
Thotyssey 