By LeNair Xavier
Thotyssey presents a column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.
A lot of propaganda within the gay community tries to tell us that all of the rules we are taught about relationships and sexual encounters by our cisgendered heterosexual parents do not apply to us. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I strongly advocate that dismissing many of those rules is why gay males are known for 1) relationships with a short lifespan and then 2) growing old not just alone, but lonely.
There seems to be an “anything goes” attitude in many gay sexual encounters. To the point that setting boundaries and being vocal when one oversteps is dismissed as “heteronormative”, “pretentious”, or “prudish”. That includes being mindful that the ethnic and/or societal culture we are living in means certain words and actions we might want to display have to be reserved for another time or space.
Earn Your Words
One of the most repeated of such acts I have witnessed is a person referring to one’s skin color or ethnicity. Since any and everyone’s skin color should be considered beautiful, why is this problematic? It is not, at least when you have known the person for a while. However, in the early days of meeting someone, especially like at a bar or sex party, you have not earned the honor of acknowledging the beauty of their color…yet.
No matter how well-intended a compliment it might be, referring to one’s skin color or ethnicity when you are new to the person can easily be construed as you fetishizing them. It is a shame to have to consider fetishizing as a possibility. Thank the racist domination of gay media and entertainment brainwashing us as to what our standards of beauty should be for that one.
For I have said in many writings that the racism in the gay community is like Pre-Civil Rights Movement America. So being with someone of a different color/ethnicity is displayed by the aforementioned outlets as being you obtaining an exotic commodity, or “sampling out of curiosity”. In either case, after doing the deed, you then throw the person away. Therefore, the moment you refer to that person’s color or ethnicity in the early days of meeting them, that suspicion should come to mind. With that being the case, you need to curb your enthusiasm until you have a more solid union with that person. Ignoring that fact is displaying an attitude of unjust entitlement.
I had this discussion some years ago with my best friend, Rich. His immediate response is what made me realize that making a reference to one’s skin color/ethnicity is something that is earned. For by the time we had this discussion, Rich had been nearing 20 years with his boyfriend, who became his husband shortly after Marriage Equality came to NY State. I know because I was the witness at his wedding. After that long together, you have more than earned the right to acknowledge every aspect of your partner’s beauty, which includes their skin color. In fact, not even that long. I would say you have earned the right to give those acknowledgements once you become an official item.
I will say that I do practice what I preach. For in my sexual history, I have definitely shall we say, tasted the rainbow. And if I listed the guys I have been with by ethnicity, the list would be called “The Gay U.N.”. And if you found most or all of these guys, since I never became an official item with any of them, they could tell you that I have never referred to their ethnicity of skin color before, during or since our encounter. And if I have done so, it is because they initiated it out of their own attitude of self-entitlement.
For the record, you don’t only have to earn acknowledging one’s skin color. You also should do the same for such features one is treated as “less than” by much of society, yet you have the depth of character to find beauty in it. One’s disability and the confidence they exudes while handling it is one such example.
Earn Your Actions
When you enter a gay sexual space, one should present themself in a vanilla fashion. Anything you do beyond vanilla (as in any BDSM scenario) must be discussed leading to consent being given. Stop letting porn be your sex ed teacher. Know that unless one party asks and consent was given by the other, this means:
- NO biting;
- NO slapping one’s face;
- NO spitting in one’s mouth;
- NO cumming on one’s face, and/or;
- NO punching one on the chest.
This also holds true for a private encounter. The problem is as I said in the beginning of this article, setting boundaries is responded to by many aggressors with bullying one into submission. Now, I dabble in BDSM, but even I know a true BDSM aficionado knows to not bully their sub. So such guys who are doing this bullying need to stop being posers and get it right. That way, sex educators like myself would not have to write articles like this. We could instead write about happier topics to achieve pleasure.
Sadly, the voices the gay community has allowed for years to be at the forefront of telling us “how to be a real gay” are the worst of us. Proof is the necessity for this article. This article is needed because we have been led to act like impatient self-entitled brats that throw tantrums because we don’t want to respect earning rights to certain words and actions. Hence why setting all of the boundaries mentioned here might make you disposable to Mr. Right Now. However, one should hold on to standing that ground makes you a keeper for Mr. Right Long-Term. This is not to say that the latter might take a while to happen. I’m 52 and single, but still refuse to break from setting those boundaries. Because respecting yourself, therefore your boundaries, makes it easier to find someone who respects themselves and knows respecting you as well is the key to your mutual happiness.
LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.
Thotyssey 