X Rayed Sex: “Coming Out At 30… What Did I Miss?”

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By LeNair Xavier

Thotyssey presents a bi-monthly column by LeNair Xavier, a writer/poet who has worked in many levels of the sex industry, and has a lot to say about the social politics of sex, porn and sexual etiquette.


Every gay and bisexual man or woman must come out in their own time. Unfortunately, there are a great many things in the LGBT community incited by its media to make one who comes out after age 25 feel that they have missed something. That they are late to the party.

I am one of those LGBT people targeted to make feel that way.

For on February 9, 2002, I came out to myself at the age of 30. Then lost my virginity just a few hours later in the wee hours of February 10th, exactly 7 weeks before my 31st birthday.

As my celebrating my Sweet 16 of being an out and proud predominately gay bisexual approaches, I’ve decided to look back and ask myself a question I ask myself often…

Is the “mean girl” mentality we see in most of gay media right? Did I miss something by coming out late? Did my coming out as I neared 31 years of age make me late to that “party”? Well, let’s look at the pros and cons of my late coming out, and who is responsible for those pros and cons to get a definite answer.

One thing my late coming out made me become is thirsty for chemical-free sex. It’s the reason why I do not want poppers in my sex play. It’s why I might tolerate it in a hook-up, but never for a long-term relationship. For my coming out late, and already being drug-free made me dodge the coercion by the substance-abusing gays that said even poppers were okay.

If you have read any of my writings over the years, then you know I am a strong advisor of chemical-free sex. For sex is a phenomenal high all its own. I figured this might be the case by the pleasure I experienced from my many years of masturbation before losing my virginity, which then became confirmed (and then some) after losing that virginity. None of this would have been discovered had it not been for my late coming out. A late coming out that I’m actually thankful for. Because while I did have a friend with whom I went with to the gay scene staple routine of clubbing, being already over 30, and maintaining some (but not total) maturity in the process, my own identity was already on the way to being cemented, even if I didn’t know it yet. So I wasn’t 100% willing to please my new friends at the expense of some of my core values.

Many of those values are ones I learned before my coming out and becoming sexually active. With my identity somewhat cemented as I previously mentioned, I saw the big picture beyond what my new gay friends were telling me. For while they were trying to tell me to get rid of all of those values and replace them with the ones that the gay scene adores, I realized some of those old values are necessary to be truly happy, and not wear the gay scene’s mask that fakes happiness.

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Unfortunately, this can’t be said of many 20-somethings coming out. And not just today’s 20-somethings. For many of them have, shall we say, a “gay mama” – a gay person, a former20-something already out for years who leads them to a path of substance abuse. Teaching them that drugs are an OK normalcy in LGBT culture. Hence why substance abuse is such a problem in our community. These 20-somethings are being molded during years that are still very formative because those years come with an eagerness to please anyone seen as a superior. Such as a gay mama, a party promoter, or a porn producer, since all of these lead outlets that are often major factors in the coming out
process. And some remain into them in their older years. For this reason, I can’t be thankful enough for how I handled my age in a way that made the misinformation in those teachings not stick.

Before someone tries a feeble attempt at calling me out, I have told in many tales of my drug and alcohol experiences. They were experiments. Experiments done because I’m a curious person who when it comes to drugs/alcohol during sex, I’m always asking:

  • Why do this?
  • What’s the draw?
  • Where is the great sex I’m looking for, if the end result is either me with a dick too limp to be a top, and/or an asshole too loose to make me a bottom who can cause his top to have a mind-blowing orgasm?

Now, all of my comparing being a gay 20-something with my gay experience after coming out at age 30 are not totally from me being on the outside looking in. Using the ageism in the gay community to my advantage, and not necessarily looking my age has made me able to experience some of the supposed joys a gay 20-something male can experience. For it was why I was able to be a 30+ year old erotic model, go-go boy, and gay porn actor. And with the latter never playing the “daddy” role, even though I was definitely the age to be cast as such.

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These accomplishments are difficult enough to attain by being 30+ years old whether you look good for your age or not. But it’s an even greater accomplishment when you do so as a Black male. For the too-often-catered-to racism from whites in the gay male community shows its envy of the belief that “black don’t crack”. Never mind the fact that I’ve seen some black that has snapped, crackled, and popped more than a bowl of Rice Krispies.

This problem wages on because these older producers and promoters should be the ones telling those of us who are over 25 to revel in getting older. Inspiring us to maintain our bodies. Doing that maintenance not just for our own personal health, which is most important. But also so that we can stop living vicariously through these early 20-somethings. This should be done by allowing our inclusion as displays of sex appeal. Instead, no matter how well you have maintained yourself, the moment you reveal your age, you either become dismissed, or you become an object for to be fetishized by those 20-soemthing gays sexualizing their unresolved daddy issues.

Well, if such journeys of being able to show off my well-maintained body respectfully is coming to a close, then it was a good ride while it lasted. As it gave me the information I needed to not just say I’m an out and proud member of the LGBT community, but actually live and advise expressing a motive that proves it. For the age-old saying is true, ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS.

With all that said, in the end, I don’t feel I missed much of anything. I’ve experienced quite a lot in my 16 years out and sexually active at age 46. Making less mistakes and staying in less mistakes because I was in a more mature head space when I started. So I am looking forward to more adventures to learn from. It’s the heads of gay media, party promoters, and modeling scouts who have missed out. And unfortunately, it’s the young people who follow their lead into vanity, youth-obsession, and alcohol/substance abuse who are also losing.

So part of me celebrating the Sweet 16 of my coming out and losing my virginity is to pass on this sexual insight. One that embraces your youth and heightens in pride when your days as a youth have passed, and years of wisdom are accumulating.


LeNair Xavier can be found frequently at the Cock, and at various other exhibitionist-friendly venues. He has a blog called L’s X-Ray Vision, and can be followed on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram. He guest blogs occasionally for Kiroo.com.

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